Birt and Ernie's Marriage Problems

EOC History Prompt: What factors helped the Americans win the war for independence?

Tortilinie's Essay- [the one they made me redo- I also added to the length in the blog.]

Birt and Ernie's Marriage Problems

It was a beautiful day on Sesame Street- the sun was busy shining, Wanda was busy fixing toasters, that one chick with the dog was busy being blind- and Birt and Ernie were fighting again.

"All you ever do is sit here and play with your model train sets-"

"SHUT UP! I'M BUSY!"

"You're always busy with those trains!"

"MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T ALWAYS WITH RUBBER DUCKY,YOU!" MAYBE I'D SPEND MORE TIME WITH

"DON'T YOU BLAME HIM FOR THIS!"

This was a usual occurrence. After a fight, Ernie would weep and head on upstairs to take a nice, soothing bath while Birt would throw any object not properly secured to the floor/counter/ceiling into the wall of their crappy apartment.

As Ernie's tear-salt mingled with the bath-salt, he reached into the cupboard to reveal Rubber Ducky.

"Oh, Rubber Ducky- he just doesn't understand how much I love you!"

As he used to the duck to dry his tears, there was the sound of a ceiling fan crashing through the plaster dry-wall.

"What's that you say, Rubber Ducky?" Ernie sniffled. "That's a great idea! I'll tell Birt!"

Witness accounts report seeing Birt chase Ernie, wearing nothing but a towel, down the street wielding a hot iron with intent of murder. Birt's anger was triggered when Ernie told him that his secret lover, Rubber Ducky, had suggested they go to marriage counseling. Authorities say that the couple is now in COURT-ORDERED marriage counseling as result of the attempt made by Birt to end Ernie's life.

"You see, Doctor Snuffy-" Ernie began. "Birt has a lot of deep emotions- so deep that he has trouble expressing them. That's why we have so many problems."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT!" Birt screamed. "IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME!"

"RUBBER DUCKY AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS!"

"THAT'S A LOAD OF CRAP! CRAP, I TELL YOU!"

Five minutes into the session, chairs started flying out the window.

"Now, Birt- tell me why you think you smashed that paper weight into Ernie's nose?"

"He was very emotional, and he did it because-"

"Now, Ernie- I want to know what Birt feels about the situation."

"I DID IT BECAUSE I WAS PISSED!"

"See? You can't speak for Birt- only he knows why he does things. Birt, I want you to start speaking your mind and telling Ernie what you really feel."

"I DON'T GIVE A FREAKING CRAP!"

"That's a good start." The snuffaluffagus scrawled something on a prescription pad.

"YES! PILLS!"

"NO, these are INSTRUCTIONS. Birt, I want you to take Ernie to a fancy restaurant, just the two of you. No distractions, and no talk about Rubber Ducky or any other matters as such- just reconnect with each other. Also, Birt- I want you to say everything that you feel so that Ernie understands."

"I FEEL THAT THIS FOOD TASTES LIKE CRAP!"

After Birt's outburst, there came a squeaking noise from Ernie's pocket.

"YOU… BROUGHT… HIM HERE???"

The couple found themselves once again in Doctor Snuffy's office. Ernie had a black eye and Birt had a bad hangover.

"Okay, now, I want Birt to express to me through interpretive dance why the dinner went badly

."

There were ten solid minutes of crashing, bashing, smashing, and mashing.

"I see," Doctor Snuffy said, adjusting his glasses. "I have just the thing. I want you two have dinner together-"

"NO!" they both screamed.

"-only this time I want this to be an "at home" dinner. No distractions, no gross food- and NO RUBBER DUCKY." He shot Ernie a knowing look. "also, I want Birt to prepare this meal. It will be as if he is preparing his feelings for you and then feeding them to you- a feast of the soul."

Birt pulled a flask out of his jacket and took a long swig.

After he dropped Ernie off at the spa, Birt loitered around the vending machines.

"Hmm… what am I going to make for dinner?"

He put in some change, hit C2, and exclaimed, "AHA! Doritos! A perfect dinner."

It was then that he saw Big Bird walk into the tanning bed.

A cruel smile spread across his face as Birt had an idea. "How about some… turkey?"

After Birt locked Big Bird in the tanning bed, roasted him, plucked off his feathers and tied him to the roof of the car, he suddenly hit an animal or something in the road.

He stepped out of his car. "Is it a fox?" he kicked it.

"HAHAHA! THAT TICKLES!"

And those were Elmo's dying words.

Birt shrugged and tossed him in the back.

"Ah, the roast is cooked- talk about red meat! And the turkey is perfect-but in need of gravy."

A squeaking erupted from the cupboard, and Birt had yet another fantabulous idea that involved a rubber duck and a microwave.

Ernie couldn't seem to stop himself from weeping. He woke to find a note that Rubber Ducky had left him, telling him he was leaving so that he and Birt could be together.

Also, he noticed that the gravy tasted a bit like melted rubbe

r- but he never put two and two together.

THE END.

I was asked to re-write my EOC.
...SO worth it. :D

Time Index 357241.

I'm going to hell. :/

Mark and I were on iGod, supposedly "chatting with God".

Mark: *types* When was your first orgasm?

We giggled, waiting for it to load.
*pops up*
God: It was at time index 357241.

*more giggles*
Me: *types* Was it wet?
Waiting. Waiting. *pops up*
God: I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask ALLY if it is.

We, of course, started laughing hysterically. I sort of fell out of my chair. Haha. =]

Old Ghost.

Old Ghost.

I don't know which part of this
Hurts me the most-
I'll always be haunted
By your old ghost.
You told me you loved me,
You called me "best friend",
So why do you suddenly
Want this to end?

"I said a lot of things on meds.
A lot of things."

I think that line
Struck the worst blow,
What you were thinking
I will never know.
All those times
I confided in you-
In your mind,
You already knew.
Three years we spent,
Inseparability-
Three years have went,
With how much you meant to me.

I see you nearby,
With the smile you wore-
I may hate your honesty,
But I hate your lies more.
If you decide
You've made a mistake,
I refuse to let
Myself take the bait.

You've made your choices,
I've made mine-
But if I said I don't miss you,
I would be lying.

Storm.

it's storming outside-
and i love it.
the sound,
the smell,
the touch of it against my skin-

the lightening is
like the clouds parted
too much and accidently let a
stream of light peek through from
a place a bit like
heaven.

the thunder is like music-
so strong,
so powerful-
an eccentric spell of
momentous ecstasy.

i love it,
i live it,
i feel it.
i KNOW it.

i know it as if
it were my other half.
each drop is so familiar,
each puddle is a
melted memory.

each rainstorm weaves
another piece of me.

I am from-

I am from the endless expanse of garden that

Became

[[My own private world.]] I am from stories in my

Head that were my

Own secret [[escape]] when

[[Reality]]

Threw me for a loop. I am from the

morning glories that peeked

their eyes open as I woke and

closed them again as the sun

continued its tour. I am from evenings on the back porch, sitting with grandma until the clouds turned purple. I am from greasy hamburgers,

eaten at

breakfast

lunch

and

dinner,

six days a week

for years. I am from doctor's warnings and prescribed diets, from the sight of

obesity one Christmas

that became the sight of

anorexia the next.

I am from slips that

deprived me of [[oxygen]] and

itchy dresses reserved only for the house of [[God]].

I am from [[do what they tell you]] and [[don't ask questions]], from

Believing the [[messenger]] undoubtingly

because [[god spoke through him]].

I am from the young girls, going from the bench

At Sunday school to

The arms of older men, from deceit and affairs,

Hypocrisy and cover-ups. I am from

[[Our way is the ONLY way.]]

and

[[Those are the kind of questions a sinner would ask.]]

I am from a curious kindergartener

treated like a criminal

once a week, from

a family not

spoken of when

at church. I am from

a grandmother who

spent half of her

married life in fear

and from a man

Who abused his four

Children. I am from

[[Why do mommy and grandpa hate each other?]]

And

[[What's a dad?]]

I am from fantasies and lies used

When the teachers would ask

Questions. I am from [[Where's you mother?]]

And [[why isn't she back yet?]]

I am from salty tears and pre-rehearsed pleas,

Dreading of even a few hours without her.

I am from pounding

At

The

Door,

Disturbing the dead of night.

I am from [[the cops are here!]]

And [[how much did you drink?]] I am from [[help me find your mom's purse, dear.]] And [[it's going to be okay.]]

I am from empty bottles and

And absent mother, from [[I'm so sorry,]] and [[it was inevitable.]]

I am from harassment and

Poisoned laughter, from the

Kisses of a knife

across

a

wrist

and the warm blood that

soaked the jacket of

a young girl, hiding the marks of her own self

punishment.

I am from [[you don't have any real problems, you're just a kid!]]

And [[if you're going to cut yourself,

then just go straight for the vein

and get it over with, already.]]

and I can't unplug the constant replay in my head of,

[[if you're serious, then prove it.]]

I am from

Notes pinned to

Shirts and

The scraping of a

Chair being dragged

Across a balcony, echoing

Off the walls of an desolate gym.

I am from mascara stained Kleenexes

And call slips that bring

A face-

A face in such pain that

You remember

That it was all in the

Past, and what you

Did was

Stupid,

Selfish-

Oh, boy, girl- you were [[selfish.]]

I

Am

From

The past,

I

Am

From

Moving on,

I

Am

From

A will to live

And make things

Right,

But most of all,

I

Am

From

No regrets-

[[Only lessons learned.]]

The Prostitute.

Manda and I spent our entire English period passing some pretty interesting notes.

We were walking to class and I said, "Looks like we have a fat substitute for English,"
And she goes, "Wait- I thought you said fat PROSTITUTE."

So we go in the room and she takes one look at him and goes, "you were right, after all."
I looked at him and laughed. "Did you think I would disappoint you?"
"Ohhh, of course not."
So we were allowed to move around and we both settled on the floor. A yellow post it note flew my way.

The prostitute-
He is delicious,
Just as I like them.

I stifled my laughter and wrote back,

Oh, yes. I enjoy the plump ones as well.

A few moments later, she replied,

The more meat…
The greasier the bun.
MY bun.
Oh! Innuendo.

Not to mention the chunky ta-tas.
A prostitute MUST have the chunky ta-tas.

Yes. He's probably also got some nice sausage loads.
Maybe a size 12….
SHOE.
Like sausage toes.

Ohhh, the SAUSAGE TOES-
What I'd do to touch one of those
BIG, FAT, HAIRY-
Toes.

I can taste those sausages…
I want them to spew their greases into my…
Hand…
As I give him a
Foot massage. =]

Ooer.
Don't forget to use the peacock feathers.
They're a wonderful way to secks up the afternoon.

Oh yes. The peacock feathers.
I'd like to ruffle those peacock feathers,
And the 19-inch
Disco stick.
His arm, I mean.

I always wanted a disco stick. If I had one,
I'd spend hours just ruffling myself
All
Night
Long.

Yeah. I came to school,
And upon seeing those disco sticks
Swinging freely,
I immediately found the nearest bathroom
And ruffled vigorously.

That was YOU in the stall next to me?
I feel so honored
To have shared such a moment with you.

Yay!
I'm sorry if some of my
Sausage grease
Landed in your stall!

Oh, don't be sorry!
It was the best time I've had in the presence of disco sticks-
Aside from the time you and I were at that party.

I still have the videotapes…
and the cowboy costumes.

Why didn't you tell me?
We can have a reenactment now.

OH YES!
There's the costume-
*draws cowboy boots/hat*
that's all you get to wear!!

Do we still get to use the lassos?
And the saddles?

Only if you want to.
=]
lasso THIS!
*draws something long that says "12 inches" above it*
it's my finger.

Oh dear lordy!
I almost forgot the popcorn butter!

Oh! OHH!
GIDDYUP!
*ruffles*
I'm working up a sweat.

We should invite Ivan-
[character from the story we were both reading]
-to join us.
him and that whip of his!

Yeah! And that nice big gun.
I wanna put my hands
On the trigger until it
Shoots four rounds.

I hope that gun can fit in my oven,
Even though it isn't French.
;]

but it's "been in tight places before".
…wink wink.

Lube should help.
.

Yeah.
Lots and lots of lube-
Watermelon flavored.
This sounds like it's time to use the ol' shackles.

You make me feel like a naughty cop tickling a tellie tubbie!
:D

You make me feel like Barney's special helper!
:D <3

That used to be MY job.
Until Thomas the Train's truck driver stole it.

Oh, he "Drove" that train
ALL OVER.
I want to work as Elmo's personal whore.

You'd have to kill his goldfish, Goldy, first.
Flush that bitch!

And then class ended.
But when I got home, I found these in my pocket.
Such a wonderful use of the post-it notes Mrs. Veigel gave us. :]

I'll Wait.

I'll Wait.

Hopes are rising,
Confidence, renewed.
Anticipating
This day with you.
I prepare myself
For what I'll try,
No matter how stupid,
No matter how blind.
In silent scheming,
I'm preparing for
The moment when
My lips meet yours.

Hopes are sinking
Now that I know-
But it's not your fault
That you couldn't go.
I put away
The special dress.
Tears are pointless,
My mind, a mess.
We'll try again,
On a later date-
But until then,
My lips will wait.