Cooking Bears Vs. Flying Moose, Part 2.

Cooking Bears VS. Flying Mooses
or as Elena calls them, Flying Meese.

Yes, this is still going on. We'll never give up until one of us wins or the other gives up. and I don't plan on loosing/giving up.

We were in math, and Draper and I, once again, began to act out how we were going to kill each other. I don't remember what she said, but I proceeded to discuss my murder plans.
"...and then I used them to decorate my christmas tree and cut off your hands to make wings for my angel tree-topper. Oh, and then while I was unwrapping my presents and watching gleefully as your blood spilled down my tree, my cooking bears came in and served me ginger bread cookies. Because bears still work in kitchens."
"Well, you know what, Shelby? I'll feed your bears poisonous turnips! What will they do THEN, HUH?"
"GASP! You know how much bears like beets..."
"...I didn't say anything about beets,"
"So since turnips LOOK like beets, I'll just have to inform them to stay away from any beet-looking sort of food. And they can always make OTHER stuff to eat, since they work in kitchens."
Draper thought for a moment.
"Yeah, well... little do they know that I... put a bucket of... water- yes, water- on the frame of the door, and when they open it, they'll get... WET!"
She laughed. and laughed.
"But my bears know NOW, and they won't even open the door- they'll bash it down with their big giant bear-paws."
"...but they'll still get wet."
"Well, they drink the water first. DUH."
"In that case, I'll be waiting for them at their house with A SHOTGUN!"
"...but it's not bear season."
"...So?"
"You can't shoot bears if it's not bear season."
"...do you think I care?"
"anyways, their house is protected by a bullet-proof dome."
"But they have to get out of their car to get IN to the bullet proof dome!"
"Nope. Their car, which is also bullet proof, is the only thing that can penetrate the dome. and it can fly."
"...WELL, I get out my FLYING CARPET that I got from Harry Potter and chase down your car!"
"but I unraveled your flying carpet so you can't do that anymore."
"oh, but that was only my BACKUP flying carpet!"
"that would explain why my bears found two of them."
"oh, there were more than two."
"....that would explain why my bears found... ALL of them."
"No, I hid them where you would never think to look- and I'll find that kitchen of yours!"
"Think again! it's in a parallel universe!"

The notes I took during this say, 'smoke! bad for you!! don't believe! POISON!', and though I don't remember what they meant, I know Draper said them, so I'm going to infer that it went something like this-

"That's what THEY want you to believe! The government, they tell you LIES, like that smoking is bad for you! Don't believe them when they say it's all poison, because IT ISN'T!"
[Correct me if I'm wrong, Dr. Ape.]
From here, I took DETAILED notes, so, I remember.
"You'll never win."
"Really? and what makes you think that, Draper?"
"You know who's on my side?"
I waited for her to tell me, although I already knew the answer. It was all she ever talked about.
"IT'S THE FLYING MOOSES!"
I turned away, using my hand to block my view of her.
"YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE, SHELBY! Bear weren't meant to be in kitchens, BUT MOOSES FLY!"
I ignored her, continuing to do my work like a good little student.
"and you know who their sidekicks are? THE FLYING SQUIRRELS FROM AFRICA!" [this reminds me of Isabel today. I'll explain at the bottom of the page. :D]
I slammed my hand down and turned to face her matter-of-factly.
"Well, I went and ran over all of your mooses and sent Boo Radley after the squirrels. NOW WHAT CAN YOU DO NOW? ALL YOUR MOOSES ARE DEAD!"
"YEAH? WELL, I HAD A SECRET MOOSE! IN MY BASEMENT! and in a secret steel... wall bank... which the door to is hidden in the desert. Your bears aren't crafty enough and are too STUPID to get down to my basement to KILL my secret moose. Also, they don't have imposable thumbs... which moose obviously do."

You know what?
BEARS STILL WORK IN KITCHENS.

Also, the thing with Isabel...
She was improvving [don't know how to spell it without making it say IMPROVING, so I added an extra V.] her lines for theater and she was on a "phone" and all of a sudden she yells,
"I HAVE TO GO- there's a DROWNING WHALE IN AFRICA!"
She flees the room and returns with messed up hair.

'twas tres mucho entertaining. :D
Also, bears WILL work in kitchens, Draper.
I'll make sure of it.

Bears and kitchens were mean for each other.

From: Melancholy murderer.:
And then the angry pirates all died of heart attaches because they spent to many afternoons eating deep fried bear meat.

From: Tortilinie, Soul Salesman.:
those darn pirates.
>:/

i told them time and time again what that would do to their health, but would they listen?
NO.
damn pirates. -.-
but at least the bears were pleased.

From: Melancholy murderer.:
But what will the bears do now that their pirates are dead?

From: Tortilinie, Soul Salesman.:
they'll open a bakery.
and sell beautiful pastries out of a drivethru window.
also, in the summer, they'll bring out your food on roller skates.

From: Melancholy murderer.:
Hmmmmm… that sounds awfully familiar.

From: Tortilinie, Soul Salesman.:
you mean that summer we went to the drive in?
yeah.those weren't hairy men, those were bears.

that explains the hairs you found in your fries. =/

From: Melancholy murderer.:
I just don’t think bears are meant to be in the kitchen.

Then we had a long debate in english over this, but i can't remember what was said.
although, all of Draper's points were incorrect and WRONG.
therefore making mine right.
during our debate, this went from a joke to a heavily serious argument.
i am determined to defend the honor of the mentioned bears.
later....

From: Tortilinie, Soul Salesman.:
dude, they're SO meant to be.
like- macaroni and cheese.
it's magical.

From: Melancholy murderer.:
but there paws just aren't cooking shaped

From: Tortilinie, Soul Salesman.:
sure they are...
but sometimes they drop the pans of boiling water
and come home to their bear-families with third degree burns.

From: Melancholy murderer.:
That is just so sad and cute that I think I will just agree with you
I can see them shambling through the door, paws all bandaged
They flop down in their chair and are having second thoughts about there career as a cook
But their family reassures them and they feel a new appreciation at how they rely on those around them
But if their paws where meant for cooking they wouldn’t have burned themselves in the first place
So there

From: Tortilinie, Soul Salesman.:
NOW THEY MUST KILL YOU, DRAPER.


From: Melancholy murderer.:
well thats not nice
I pull out my bag of dice and roll a twelve
Summoning my magic carpet and flying away in a cloud of sparkles
HAHAHAHAHAHAH, you can't get me now


From: Tortilinie, Soul Salesman.:
D:
well, guess what?
i whip out my level 13 ice sword and spear you right through a tree.
what now?
>:D

DON'T FEED FISHSTICKS TO A SEAGULL! :D

I was thinking the other day about my last birthday party. There was an incident with seagulls [DON’T FEED FISHSTICKS TO A SEAGUL!] that I feel is worth recording.
So my brother is standing over on the sidewalk at Lucky Peak, pouring a bucket of water on something and laughing. I have a strong feeling that this has something to do with cruelty to animals in some way, so I investigate.
“What’re you doing?” “Pouring water on ants.” AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING? HE WAS POURING WATER- ON ANTS! “HAHA! Look at them SQUIRM!” “HAYDEN!” *smack* “OW!”
I throw the bucket into the sand and try to stop the flooding from killing any more than it already had of this little colony my STUPID brother had stumbled upon. My wonderful friends[Amanda, Nin, and Betsey] decided to leave an offering to compensate for the lives lost.
We dropped some Oreos into the panicked rush of ants running towards their fallen loved ones, and suddenly they changed their course towards the food. We stood and watched them for a moment proudly, and feeling like we’d done our duty, we turned and walked away. BUT THEN…
There was a squawk behind us, and as we turned we saw, as if in slow motion, a seagull slowly swoop towards the ground while the ants swarmed over the Oreo, not suspecting a thing- and the seagull lands next to them. I gasp, knowing what is about to happen.
“Don’t do it- NO-”
The seagull looks at me, then back at the ant-covered Oreo.
-AND HE TAKES OFF WITH THE OREO.
“NOOOOOO!”
Nin screams-
“OHMIGAWD IT’S A SEAGULL!”
And runs in panicked circles.
So we left more offerings this time. After all, even MORE lives had been lost in this tragic accident. …AND THEN MORE SEAGULLS CAME. We waved our arms through the air, chasing them off- or at least everyone but Nin who was busy screaming, “OHMIGAWD SEAGULLS OHMIGAWD SEAGULLS…”
I ran at them.
“DON’T YOU DARE!”
…but they got the Oreos anyway.
Finally, we gave up trying to feed the colony. My stupid ideas only caused them more harm. It makes me think of the time my mom told me about when she worked at Jim’s Appliance- there were these guys on the loading dock playing with a stick bug and trying to rip its legs off. My mom walks right up and nonchalantly grabs the poor thing before they even realize it. They follow her as she walks down to the end of the dock and lets it free.
…but as it’s flying away, a bird swoops down AND EATS IT. D:
I know right?

But at least we TRIED to help these poor creatures.

-.-

Betsey's Bible, part one.

Manners? WHAT manners?

also, because of this, Mrs. Veigel said i was going to hell, so Draper said to please her, i must locate a level ten fire staff in order to redeem my sins.
if you see one just lying around anywhere, let me know. =/

Magic Turtle Sex

We're sitting in science, and all of a sudden, Ian goes,
"If you were a magical turtle, what would you do?"
I pondered this for a moment.
"I'd mate with OTHER magical turtles, just to see how they DO IT."
and went directly back to working.
"...that's- well, I meant super powers or something."
"Well, I'd rather mate with other turtles."
There was a scraping noise as Ian inched his desk away from mine. Then I realized I still had an unanswered question.
"...how DO they do it, anyways?"

this is my magical turtle.
that's right. be jealous.

Haunted TB Hospital

We’re on the road to the TB Hospital for Draper’s birthday party! :D
It’s this old, haunted hotel that use to be a tuberculosis hospital. I’m pretty freaking stoked.

---later---
We were just in Winco, and when we were at the checkout counter, I asked Draper’s mom what I could do to help because, as I was told, I suck at bagging. …haha. That sounds nasty. ;]

“Um… Sing to us.”
“…YES! Wait, really?”
“Go for it.”
“…REALLY think about this before you actually let me.”
“Sing, Shelby! Sing to your heart’s content!”

My song went a little something like this…
“DRAPER!
With her irish eyes and her red hair-
Oh, DRAPER!
With her drinking problem
And her drug addictions-
When she doesn’t have a needle in her arm,
She’s got a bottle in her hand!
Oh, DRAPER!
With her 24 abused children,
All from different fathers-
AND THAT’S JUST WHEN SHE’S BEING CAREFUL!”

In front of all the staring people of Winco.
She loved it.
Then, when we got in the car, Betsey told me to make my boobs sing it to her again, by pressing them together, like they were talking.
“oh, DRAPER!
With curlers in her hair-
At least put your dentures in if WE’RE GONNA GET IT ON!”

Then, we went into the gas station, and they had Extenze… FOR WOMEN.
:D
I had a great conversation with the lady at the counter about what it does- only, Betsey and Draper dragged me out of there before we were done talking.
“I thought I told you not to talk while we were in there!”
“But I didn’t. It was my boobs talking.”
Well… maybe there’s a reason they don’t want me to talk in public places. =/

---Later---
Draper just stuck a cheeto up her nose.
Now we’re trying to see how many things we can fit up there.
…Ew. This is getting kind of gross. =/
---Later---
“I hate you.”
“You know, I just decided that one of these days, I’m going to shave your hear and super glue a clown wig to your scalp while you’re asleep. Don’t think I won’t, I know you’re a heavy sleeper.”
---later---
There are no women in Florida.
Did you know that?
Well, now you do.

---later---
So, the basement was the freakiest. It was in total ruins. Well, for the most part. And there’s a door with no lock on it, but yet, it locks from the inside. So, you’re not allowed to shut it.
Also, the hallway has been known for a little girl to be seen there. And also, a little boy at the top of the stairs.
It’s WAY cool. And the unfinished part of the hotel, the part that’s still hospital-like, is like, covered with creepy old-fashioned toys.
It’s SUPER spooky ooky. D:
I love it.
Also, according to Betsey, the caretaker guy thinks we’re all lesbian. =/

---later---
“Frying pans aren’t just for cooking. If your man ever hits you, BRAIN HIM OVER THE HEAD with it. NEVER forget that when you get married.”
“Okay, Mrs. Draper’s mom…”
“THEY’RE NOT JUST FOR COOKING!”

---later---
THE NEXT DAY…
We’re watching a movie called Pandemic, which is probably the lamest thing since… something lame. =/
The three of us could write a WAY better movie.
There’s a guy riding a horse in the beginning, and then the guy falls off the horse and dies.
Now, if we were in charge…
There’s a guy riding a horse, and all of a sudden, the horse knocks him off and tramples him. And, the horse is wearing silver roller blades.
The horse starts talking while he’s beating the crap out of this guy.
“OH! What now, B**ch? Take THAT!”
then, the horse wheels away. And. The guy throws up in his own cowboy hat.
And then puts it back on.

---later---
oh, and also, draper is going to live in the creepy attic here and raise chickens.
=/

THE END! :D