Birt and Ernie's Marriage Problems

EOC History Prompt: What factors helped the Americans win the war for independence?

Tortilinie's Essay- [the one they made me redo- I also added to the length in the blog.]

Birt and Ernie's Marriage Problems

It was a beautiful day on Sesame Street- the sun was busy shining, Wanda was busy fixing toasters, that one chick with the dog was busy being blind- and Birt and Ernie were fighting again.

"All you ever do is sit here and play with your model train sets-"

"SHUT UP! I'M BUSY!"

"You're always busy with those trains!"

"MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T ALWAYS WITH RUBBER DUCKY,YOU!" MAYBE I'D SPEND MORE TIME WITH

"DON'T YOU BLAME HIM FOR THIS!"

This was a usual occurrence. After a fight, Ernie would weep and head on upstairs to take a nice, soothing bath while Birt would throw any object not properly secured to the floor/counter/ceiling into the wall of their crappy apartment.

As Ernie's tear-salt mingled with the bath-salt, he reached into the cupboard to reveal Rubber Ducky.

"Oh, Rubber Ducky- he just doesn't understand how much I love you!"

As he used to the duck to dry his tears, there was the sound of a ceiling fan crashing through the plaster dry-wall.

"What's that you say, Rubber Ducky?" Ernie sniffled. "That's a great idea! I'll tell Birt!"

Witness accounts report seeing Birt chase Ernie, wearing nothing but a towel, down the street wielding a hot iron with intent of murder. Birt's anger was triggered when Ernie told him that his secret lover, Rubber Ducky, had suggested they go to marriage counseling. Authorities say that the couple is now in COURT-ORDERED marriage counseling as result of the attempt made by Birt to end Ernie's life.

"You see, Doctor Snuffy-" Ernie began. "Birt has a lot of deep emotions- so deep that he has trouble expressing them. That's why we have so many problems."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT!" Birt screamed. "IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME!"

"RUBBER DUCKY AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS!"

"THAT'S A LOAD OF CRAP! CRAP, I TELL YOU!"

Five minutes into the session, chairs started flying out the window.

"Now, Birt- tell me why you think you smashed that paper weight into Ernie's nose?"

"He was very emotional, and he did it because-"

"Now, Ernie- I want to know what Birt feels about the situation."

"I DID IT BECAUSE I WAS PISSED!"

"See? You can't speak for Birt- only he knows why he does things. Birt, I want you to start speaking your mind and telling Ernie what you really feel."

"I DON'T GIVE A FREAKING CRAP!"

"That's a good start." The snuffaluffagus scrawled something on a prescription pad.

"YES! PILLS!"

"NO, these are INSTRUCTIONS. Birt, I want you to take Ernie to a fancy restaurant, just the two of you. No distractions, and no talk about Rubber Ducky or any other matters as such- just reconnect with each other. Also, Birt- I want you to say everything that you feel so that Ernie understands."

"I FEEL THAT THIS FOOD TASTES LIKE CRAP!"

After Birt's outburst, there came a squeaking noise from Ernie's pocket.

"YOU… BROUGHT… HIM HERE???"

The couple found themselves once again in Doctor Snuffy's office. Ernie had a black eye and Birt had a bad hangover.

"Okay, now, I want Birt to express to me through interpretive dance why the dinner went badly

."

There were ten solid minutes of crashing, bashing, smashing, and mashing.

"I see," Doctor Snuffy said, adjusting his glasses. "I have just the thing. I want you two have dinner together-"

"NO!" they both screamed.

"-only this time I want this to be an "at home" dinner. No distractions, no gross food- and NO RUBBER DUCKY." He shot Ernie a knowing look. "also, I want Birt to prepare this meal. It will be as if he is preparing his feelings for you and then feeding them to you- a feast of the soul."

Birt pulled a flask out of his jacket and took a long swig.

After he dropped Ernie off at the spa, Birt loitered around the vending machines.

"Hmm… what am I going to make for dinner?"

He put in some change, hit C2, and exclaimed, "AHA! Doritos! A perfect dinner."

It was then that he saw Big Bird walk into the tanning bed.

A cruel smile spread across his face as Birt had an idea. "How about some… turkey?"

After Birt locked Big Bird in the tanning bed, roasted him, plucked off his feathers and tied him to the roof of the car, he suddenly hit an animal or something in the road.

He stepped out of his car. "Is it a fox?" he kicked it.

"HAHAHA! THAT TICKLES!"

And those were Elmo's dying words.

Birt shrugged and tossed him in the back.

"Ah, the roast is cooked- talk about red meat! And the turkey is perfect-but in need of gravy."

A squeaking erupted from the cupboard, and Birt had yet another fantabulous idea that involved a rubber duck and a microwave.

Ernie couldn't seem to stop himself from weeping. He woke to find a note that Rubber Ducky had left him, telling him he was leaving so that he and Birt could be together.

Also, he noticed that the gravy tasted a bit like melted rubbe

r- but he never put two and two together.

THE END.

I was asked to re-write my EOC.
...SO worth it. :D