Day in the Life of a British Rapper

Day in the Life of a British Rapper-
A Song Written by Tortilnie and Betsey.
Inspired by Betsey and AJ.

this song must be sang in alternating parts between two people, chika chikas done by both parties.
Enjoy. :D

Wake at dawn with a bloody hangover.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika. [sound effects]
Cause I been plastered all last night.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Phone my mates for something to do.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
first I wank off, then leave the house.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
These chaps of mine are top notch-
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
They've all done porridge a time or two.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
For arson, murder, and identity theft.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
These lads sure know how to have a ball.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.

Drive in my motor car down the road.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Drink some petrol straight from the pump.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Toss my cookies out the window.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Splatter the shoes of some old geezer.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
he says, "what the bloody hell? you can't do that-
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
-honking on the pavement like some kind of twat!"
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
So I popped a cap right up his arse.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.

I say to my mate, "hey, you up for some grub?"
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
"Brilliant, chap, it's right about lunch time!"
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Gander at the waitress, quite a knockout.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
I said, "Hey baby, show us your nungas!"
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
She goes, "Get the bloody hell out of my store, you fucking wankers."
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
"No" means "yes" so I grabbed her knockers.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
"May I have it off inside your tuppence?"
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
and that's when I was blinded with pepper spray.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.

Back on the street we see an old scrubber.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Wavin' cardboard like some kind of nutter.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
he stumbles over, begging spare quid.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
I knew right off he was full of bollocks,
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
So I shanked him, right between the ribs.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
I even stole his coat cause' it was a tad parky out.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Some nearby twit goes, "Are you off your trolley??"
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
So we botched him up and threw him in the waste bin.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.

Not yet knackered, we know what to do.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Snort some cocaine in the loos.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Snoggin' some hoes.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Shag some hookers.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Flash my willy at some old ladies.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Get jammy with your mum.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
do some hanky panky with your sister.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Get faced well before five o' clock.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Get stark naked in a church.
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.

[No Chikachikachika's in this part.]
Rob a bank.
Bust some caps.
Shoot up a train.
knit a quilt.
Get a girl pregnant,
then never call back.

We're all so tough- blimey, ain't we cool?
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
Getting plastered in Liverpool!
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
That's a day in the life of a British rapper-
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.
and if you've got a problem, you can suck on my knackers!
Chikachikachikachikachikachikachika.

Peace, mate.

Betsey's Bedtime Story.

[bold= not in story, but exterior comments and whatnot.]
“Shelby, you should tell me a story.”
“Okay.”

_____ Once upon a time, there was a princess named Betsey who lived in a huge castle. Only, the castle was covered in fleas- they were in the carpets, the bedding, EVERYTHING. So, the princess was forced into living in her bedroom closet for the majority of her life, with nothing to eat but stale crackers and, um, fleas. Crunch crunch.
_____ One day, she ran out of stale crackers and decided that she was done with hiding away in a stupid closet. Plus, fleas tasted nasty as none-other. The princess Betsey ran to her window and shouted,
_____“OH ROMEO! What light through yonder window BREAKS WIND?”
_____Then, she held up the skull of her… um, dead aunt, and held it out, like in Hamlet. Then, up on a horse came riding-
_____“Dakota.”

_____Sure. Dakota. He comes riding up on a white horse and says to the princess,
_____“PRINCESS BETSEY! I’m a STUPID JERK and a total tease! Please forgive me! I AM NOT WORTHY!”
_____Then, a herd of water buffalo came out of nowhere and kicked dirt in his face because they knew he was full of crap, stupid, and totally NOT worth their time.
_____“OOH NO!” Shouted Dakota. “MY HAIR! It’s been VIOLATED by DIRT! I must run away and FIX IT! Oh, no, my precious hair! THE AGONY!”
_____Then he ran away, crying like a little girl.

_____Betsey looked down at the herd of water buffalo.
_____“Can you help me, kind beasts? I’m trapped in this tower, and- the fleas, OH, the terrible FLEAS! Please help me!”
_____“Oh course, young maiden!” Said the herd of water buffalo. “Just jump! We’ll catch you!”
_____So Betsey closed her eyes and jumped, a wonderful sense of freedom washing over her.
_____Only, the herd moved at the last second, letting the princess fall flat on her face in the dirt. On purpose.
_____“Assholes.”
_____Yes, that they were. Anyway, as she was picking herself up from the ground, a bird swooped down and stole princess Betsey’s crown.
_____“HEY!” She shouted.
_____The buffalo herd snickered. “Now you’re just a nothing. Without you’re crown, you’re nothing more than a commoner, a filthy peasant in filthy clothes!”
_____“But aren’t my clothes still fancy?” Interrupted the Betsey who was not in the story.
_____Um. So. The herd of buffalo kicked dust all over her clothes and ruined them permanently.
_____“Jerks.”

_____So, the buffalo ditched her, and she, um, decided to go to the fish store. She wanders in, and she was such a mess that the fish store guy thought she was a REAL FISH, and threw her in a giant tank. That had a giant shark in it.
_____“OH, I’m SOOO hungry!” Said the giant shark.
_____ So he swallowed her whole. Then, he threw her up. And then swallowed her again. And chewed her into tiny pieces.

_____Just then, an old woman hobbled into the fish store and said to the fish store guy,
_____“I’m looking for a birthday present for my grandson- I think he’d like a nice little fishy. But, I’m mostly BLIND, so you’ll have to help pick out a fish for me.”
_____So he put the shark- the one with Betsey in its tummy, into a giant sandwich bag of water and strapped it to the roof of the old woman’s car. She thought she had bought, um, a guppy. A really BIG guppy.
_____When they got home, she put the shark in a cup of water. It was then that he discovered that he could breathe out of water.
_____“WOW! I JUST REALIZED THAT I CAN BREATH OUT OF WATER!”
_____He took a step forward and upon shock of actually being able to walk, he looked down and saw that he had HUMAN GIRL LEGS, with painted toes and everything.
_____The shark realized that his mind had fused with Betsey’s mind, and that they were now one being.

_____“BURGLARS!” screamed the old woman, and proceeded to hit the half shark/half Betsey with a knitting basket.
_____*acts out hitting*
_____“ARF! ARF ARF!”
_____“…that sounds more like a dog than a basket.”
_____“…Well. Um. The knitting basket was full of. Um. Terriers. And. Um. Yarn.”
_____“Okay. That works.”

_____So the half shark/half Betsey creature ran off into the forest, where they ran into the herd of water buffalo. Betsey was pissed that they had made fun of her, so the Betsey half made the shark half eat the buffalos whole, then spit them back out, then eat them again and chew them into tiny pieces. Just like the shark had done to Betsey.
_____Then, the buffalos morphed into the Betsey Shark, and soon the Betsey Shark had HOOVES.

_____As they continued through the forest, they happened upon a skate park. In the middle of the woods. There, they entered a contest where the most, um, HARDCORE skater won… hmmm…. Um, one magic wish from a wizard named Merlin.
_____So the part shark/part Betsey/part herd of water buffalo hopped on a skateboard… that it um, stole from the old lady- NO, that it SWALLOWED, and so the wheels came out of his/her/their woman-legs. Anyway, they hopped on the board…
_____*drum roll*
_____…and fell flat on their face.

_____The entire skate park burst into hysterics, laughing at the utter failure of the Betsey/Shark/Buffalo/skateboard creature. They pointed and threw, um, popcorn. And skateboard helmets.
_____The Betsey half of the creature was crying, too hurt to do anything but weep. The buffalo half were rather irritated, but they didn’t really give a rip. The skate board half felt nothing.
_____But the shark half… the shark half was PISSED, and he wasn’t going to let some STUPID HUMANS mock HIM.

_____So he whips out a machine gun…
_____“No. he shoots the bullets out of his nipples.”
_____On second thought, he actually SHOT THE BULLETS OUT OF HIS NIPPLES at the crowd and blew them to bits. That sure showed them.

_____Then, after winning the contest, the Betsey/Shark/Buffalo/Skateboard/Machine gun went to see the magical wizard named Merlin. When they got to the cottage- um…
_____*writing it down later*
_____“…Betsey, I forgot what happened when they got to Merlin’s cottage.”
_____“Something about him changing me back, but he screwed it all up.”
_____“oh yeah.”
_____After Merlin waved his wand, the beings separated and became five separate people again. But then… the shark discovered he still had woman-legs. Betsey had buffalo hooves. The buffalo herd had… um, bullets for eyes. The machine gun had a fin. And the skateboard had a raccoon tail, but no one knew where the hell THAT came from.

_____“What’d I tell you happened after that?”
_____“Um. I think they got mad and killed the wizard or something.”
_____“Oh. That works.”
_____So, they got mad and killed the wizard. Then they all lived happily ever after. Except the wizard.

The End.

Only possums can defeat Lord Voldemort.

As some of you probably already know, considering that this is all I ever talk about anymore, I've become incredibly obsessed with possums.
I literally can't get over how amazing they are. Correction, how AWESOME they are, because AWESOME rhymes with POSSUM. :D

So, what I've wanted more than anything in this world has been to become a teacher and raise a family. But over the past few weeks, that dream has changed drastically.
Now, rather than raise my kids in a house with a balcony, I've decided that I'd rather raise possums in a trailer.

I want to get one hundred and fifty of them and name them after the original one hundred and fifty Pokemon. :D

And I'd spend all my college money on over-ripened fruit and spaghetti to feed them.

It'll be brilliant.
Then, I can train them to fight crime.
Look, he's already got his game face on-

A single possum would be SO much more effective than an entire police force.
I mean, sure- cops do a FANTASTIC job and all, but a possum tops everything.
If you were robbing a bank, and you look down, and THIS THING is staring up at you from underneath the cash register-

You would drop the gun, drop to the floor, curl into the fetal position, and plead for mercy.
Am I right?
Damn right I am.

Also, since possums only live for three to five years, I'll breed them and name all their babies after different kinds of fruit.

I can't even begin to stress how excited I am for my future now.
Maybe I should drop out of school NOW, and start getting ready.
Or not. I mean, I hear they FINALLY teach you how to fight Lord Voldemort your senior year in the Boise Public School system, and my possums will need this valuable information.
So I'll stick around a little longer.

The best part of all this?
After a few years of raising possums in a trailer, I'll look like this:

Don't move to Chihuahua if you don't speak dog.

I was glancing through my world Clock settings, and I started to wonder how some countries got their names. I mean, some are SO BIZARRE that I have to wonder what inspired them. This is the only theory that makes sense:

Explorer 1: "Okay, so, what should we name this little chunk of land here?"
Explorer 2: "Huh. I don't know. I feel like we've run out of options."
Explorer 1: "WAIT! I've got an idea!"
*slams hand down on keyboard*
Explorer 2: "Reykjavik? Okay, that works."

And that is how countries gained names like these:

Reykjavik
Ulaanbaataar
Tbilisi
Skopje
Nuku'alofa
Novosibirsk
Ljubljana
Krasnoyarsk
Guadalajara
Ekaterinburg

And some names were just in bad calls.

Pretoria:
It makes me think of a kingdom, for predators. Pretoria. I mean, I don't want to live somewhere where there is a likely chance that I can go outside without being eaten by a velocoraptor [which obviously still live in Pretoria]. That's just the kind of image I get from a name like Pretoria, and I wouldn't doubt that the only people who hear 'Pretoria' and say 'Gee, I want to move there!' are man-eating tigers and sharks.

Prague:
Sounds far to much like 'Plague'. In fact, I'll bet that's what it originally was called, but then when the plague came about, it originated THERE, and people just started calling the disease by its country of origin. In an attempt to cover this up, they changed the L to an R, and eventually everyone forgot that it's their fault for causing the plague and that such a hazardous country could cause another one at any second. But I haven't forgot, Prague.

Nice:
Obviously, it's not very nice there, but they named it Nice because they wanted people to think, 'Oh, it must be a really wonderful place!' but NO. It is DECEPTION, and you will not see me so easily fooled. I'll bet the local park is really a landfill with a broken swing set in the middle.

Manila:
Where mantilla envelopes were invented. How exciting.
Chihuahua:
The town is run by the little beasts. You'll be driving through, and you go into the gas station after filling your tank, wanting to pay for your fuel and buy a hot cup of coffee, and there'll be a little dog up at the counter. You try to explain that you want to put twenty dollars on pump eight, but he won't understand you because he doesn't speak English. NO, I'm not being racist. He doesn't speak Spanish EITHER, he speaks DOG. and so does everyone else in the town.
So if you don't speak dog, don't move to Chihuahua.

Brussels:
Brussel SPROUTS? Ew. I'm not moving to a town that sounds like brussel sprouts. Brussel sprouts are disgusting. And I don't think anyone else would ever want to move there either because NO BODY likes brussel sprouts.
Bangkok:
Need I say more?

So I've changed the clock on my phone to Ulaanbaataar time. Not very effective, considering it says it's five in the morning there, but still pretty sweet if you ask me.

"NO! my hedgehog!"

So, I used to take notes on the occurrences around me so I could make them into a blog later.
Sometimes, in frantic scribbling, these notes become indecipherable.
I found a handful of note book paper from when Draper and Betsey stayed the night, like, two freaking years ago or something.
I found it in an an extremely ancient purse buried in a closet so messy that nothing EVER returns from it. Aside from the purse, that is. And a really stale pack of chewing gum.
Did you know that gum goes bad after awhile?
Well. Now you do.
And just a word of advise?
Don't put anything you found buried under a pile of old clothes and garbage in your mouth, especially if two whole Christmases have past since it expired. :/
Anyway. here are the notes I found in the purse.
I have absolutely no clue what the holy hell was going on,
except that Betsey decided that Draper and I were her children.
Enjoy.

Put your arm down! I'll beat you!
You'll beat me anyway!
It's the silence, it's killing me!
Igor will have the shotgun in the morning.
I won't call you mother anymore!
*hits with foot rest*
Oh, the blood... Ohhhh!

Reminds me of deprivation and being locked in the freezer.
UPS.
See if they survive past the front door! The booby traps I set are the best.
You can't get it out of me, you old hag!
*stares*

I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE SOUP AGAIN!
You witch! she's a monster!
Her face peels back and she grows fangs and a goatee and walks around in a top hat with a cane, revealing herself for the monster she really is!
Satanic sex god powers!
Quick, get the hedgehog!
He was my only friend growing up...
NO! MY HEDGEHOG!

You'd realize that you have no real friends and that'll stop you because you can't screw so many people at one time!
FILL THE BATHTUB WITH PEPTO BISMAL!
Mother dearest... I SHALL KILL YOU!

You didn't care about my mental health when you LOCKED ME IN A SHED FILLED WITH DECAPITATED ANIMALS!
Ghoooostie, come here kitty... I'LL PUT YOU IN HER FACE! ALLERGIES! AHAHA!
I'll kill you like I killed the maid!
GRANDMA! NO, I LOVED YOU!

I'm very disappointed in myself, too...
The hedgehog- it was born with a desire for BLOOD!
SHE STABBED ME WITH A FORK, SHELBY! RIGHT THERE!

*mom walks by*
Mom- "No sexual activity in my house."
Draper- "TOO LATE, I'M ALREADY PREGNANT!"

All of them mended with stitches in unspeakable places...
That'll teach them to try to put things in MY mouth!
I'll just sit here while you STARVE!
I'll eat you FIRST!
Come here, mother dearest... I want a taste of HUMAN FLESH!
That's my ARMPIT! does it smell good?
Bite my biceps! THAT'LL TEACH YOU!
Come closer... I have a pillow to smother you with...
She wants me DEAD!

She's looking at me, those demon eyes...
I had a TAIL?
I always knew there was something missing!
Sister Shelby leaves the toilet seat up!
It's better than what YOU leave up...
What's that, now?
I've done nothing but PLEASED you!
...except when I tried to kill you.

...Um. So. Yeah.
My friends are freaks.
And I love them to death. :D

What happens when you try to make sophmores write essays in P.E.

Since I decided we shouldn't have to write an essay in P.E., I decided that when told to write about a character from The Rookie that demonstrated all the brave values, I'd write about the most insignificant characters in the whole movie- the nuns who bless the desert in the first two minutes of the movie.
Enjoy.



In the award winning film, The Rookie, a courageous and heart-warming film about a high-school science teacher who made it to the big leagues in the wonderful sport of baseball, it was proved that any dream is achievable if you reach far enough for it. Though all of the characters demonstrate courage, honesty, teamwork, respect, honor, dignity, and the other Boise Brave values, it’s pretty obvious who the real heroes of this story are- the nuns. Who were in the movie for approximately a minute and a half.

The lack of appearance of these characters in the film does not necessarily suggest that they were unimportant- in fact, it is quite the contrary. Since this movie was shown for educational purposes in a classroom setting, much of it was cut in order to keep the content appropriate- though god knows why, considering we’re high schoolers and know how babies are made and have heard probably every swear word in the English language- but, we were shielded from the cold truth of life, at least in reference to The Rookie. The scenes that were removed all featured the nuns, explaining how they were the true heroes.

You see, before they went to the covenant, the nuns lived an R-rated lifestyle. The first nun was a prostitute. When she was a little girl, she dreamed of being a dancer- but tap-dancing lessons led to stripping, and stripping led to prostitution. She let go of her dream pretty easily. Then, one day- or night, rather, considering her occupation- she received a client who smelled like he hadn’t showered in a week. Rather than do the deed and get her cash fair and square, she decided to steal all his money and run away.

Meanwhile, in another part of town, the second nun was working for minimum wage at a lousy convenience store. Her boss was a total loser and she loathed being a cashier with an immense hatred, but she couldn’t quit because she had thirty-two children at home to feed, all from different fathers who refused to pay child support, so she had to stick with it to make ends meet. The problem was, she was a terrible cashier, in the sense that rather than ring up items at the checkout, she’d yak on her cell phone, text, sleep, get drunk behind the counter, and essentially ignore the customers.

Eventually, the second nun’s boss got fed-up and decided she had to go. Upon being fired, she went into an insane rage. Foaming at the mouth and babbling in tongues, she whipped out a shotgun from underneath the counter. She held everyone at gun point, shot out the windows just because she could, and robbed the place.

The prostitute nun hotwired someone’s car in order to get away from the authorities, and the bank- robber nun attempted to escape on foot. Neither of them succeeded in getting away, however, considering the prostitute nun had decided to hotwire a golf cart, which even the bank-robber nun could’ve outrun with just her feet alone. Luckily, the two women ended up handcuffed in the same cop car and became jolly good friends. After hearing each other’s stories, they both agreed that they needed a fresh start. After escaping prison, they hitch-hiked to a nunnery where they found Jesus, donned robes, and saved themselves- although, they were probably still going to burn in hell.

These two nuns who previously lived a life of crime are clearly the true heroes of the story because they had RESPECT for themselves to work towards something better, RESPONSIBILITY to let go of the old parts of their past, HONOR to actually achieve their dreams, DIGNITY enough to admit they were wrong, COURAGE enough to escape prison, and TEAMWORK to help each other through their struggle, because we all need each other’s support. Also, in case you’re wondering, the money the first nun stole from the unshowered man and the money the second nun stole from the convenience store was the money they used to invest in the oil fields. We can all learn something from these heroes, and hopefully, my peers are now as inspired as I am to achieve my dreams. After all, as clearly demonstrated here in The Rookie, anything is possible.

A Lovely Sunday Brunch

A Lovely Sunday Brunch

The angry bear

Creeps silently upon

Its prey.

The elderly woman is

Oblivious

To the danger afoot.

She could not hear the

Snap of twigs and

Rustle of bushes over

The roar of the river she

Was fishing her false teeth

Out of.

A roar of fury rips through the forest.

He chews her ANGRILY!

With his mouth open-

Which is bad manners, but,

He is a bear.

LOUD! Are the old woman’s bones

As they snap into thousands of

Tiny pieces, like

That gross peanut brittle nonsense

Your grandmother

Puts out in a little bowl at Christmas,

But it lies there eternally because

No one really likes peanut brittle.

The bear eats the old woman

Like SHE was peanut brittle-

Only, she isn’t peanut brittle,

She is an old woman.

If she was peanut brittle,

The bear would not eat her

In the first place.

I don’t like peanut brittle.

Neither do bears.

BEARS. EAT. BEETS.

…and old women.

The old woman cannot

Talk now, she is in the

Tummy of a bear.

But if she wasn’t, I’d

Ask her if

She was the kind of old woman who

Made peanut brittle

At Christmas.

If she said yes, then

I’d be happy that

The bear

Ate her.

Now the bear has had

His Sunday brunch, and

She can never make peanut brittle

Ever again.

I don’t like peanut brittle.

Neither do bears.

Peanut brittle.