The Desanitizer.

Lois, Nin, Sally, Laura and I were having a bit of prank-calling fun. We got a hold of this guy who was hammered as a nail. "This is Becky from the Tillamuck CHEESE factory. I'm calling to inform you that your order of cheese was lost in a freak accident involving a tidal wave."

Lois and Sally bickered with him for a little while.
"You have to think about how old you are? That's pretty pathetic."
Lois asks, "Sir, have you been taking any illegal substances this evening?"
Mumbling on the other end.
"EEE-LEGAL," she sounded out the word, "SUB-STAAAAAHHNCES."
More mumbling.
"I SAID, sir- have you been taking any EEEEE-LEEGAL- SUB-STAAAAHNNCES? No, No! illegal- EEE-LEGAL SUBSTAAAAHHHNNCES! NO-"
This went on for some time.

While we were doing this, Laura was messing with some of Micah's toys that were overflowing from the moving boxes. Some of them looked like… *coughSEXTOYScough*
"What's this for?"
"Oh, that?" I giggled. "I left that over here last night, if you catch my drift."
She didn't catch my drift.
"What is it?"
Sally goes, "I don't think you want to touch that… it's… unsanitary."
Laura set it down and picked up another one that lit up. "what about this one?"
"I used it to… look for my car keys. I left them in Nin's… jacket pocket."
"Ohhh, her POCKET?"
"I always lose stuff in MY pocket…"

You hear Lois over there on the phone going, "FACT- bears- eat- beats. Bears- beats- BATTLESTAR GALLACKTICA!"
Laura's next item also lit up.
"That one's got memories. I got a boat stuck up there once- sailing the RED SEA."
Lois, into the phone, screams- "you have won- ONE- THOUSAND- DOLL-AIRS!"

Laura hands me this circular shaped thingymerglobber.
"I love how there's a compass on this thing- I always seem to get lost."
"I don't see why," Sally says. "all you really need to know is north and south- OR JUST SOUTH!"
"What is it?"
"It's the desantitizer!"
Laura drops the pocket-searcher.
"QUICK! PUT IT IN THE DESANITIZER!"
We decided to call in this dating hotline.
Lois- "So, I'm a dancer, so I'm super limber-"
Nin- "MOMMY, DADDY BEATS ME!"
Lois- "GET BACK IN THE CUPBOARD! WHO SAID YOU COULD COME OUT?"
Sally- "BUT ALL I EAT IS SUNSCREEN!"
Me- "THE GOVERNMENT! THE GOVERNMENT! THE GOVERNMENT!"
Lois- "I'LL KILL YOU UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD! I'LL SHOOT YOU WITH MY KNIFE!"
Later…
Me- "that's a mighty fine accent you got there. Where'd you get your's? I got mine from a little chica down at the home depot."
A little later, we get a recording…
"We're sorry, but your voice message sounds a little young. Please call customer support to verify that you're eighteen."

Laura was talking on her phone to a friend in Texas.
"There were some guys in the lesbian areas, too…"
Sally screams, "I WANT A GUY IN MY LESBIAN AREA!"
A few minutes later…
"Whoa there, tiger! That's a violation! ...DO IT AGAIN!"
A little bit later…
"Maybe they got hungry and walked out…"
"No, ONLY YOUR PARENTS do THAT!"
later…
"I AM NOT AN ORANGE JEW!"