Boo Radley makes EVERYTHING special.

How was my summer, you ask?
I'd have to say...
...it was the best one so far.
;D

Haha, and I think you all know who made it that special. ;]



Boo Radley made it that special.
That's who.

Expose yourself to the oregon coast! *drops pants*

Tortilinie's Trip to the Oregon Coast! :D

Beach! :D" width="325" border="0">

Friday.

We're in Baker City-
THAT'S RIGHT!
OREGON! :D
hoorah! hoorah!
Oregon, Oregon, Oh-reh-gone! :D
Ocean, Ocean, Oh-shh-in! :D

Hopefully, there will be no instances with angry dead jellyfish this year. =/

Later. . .

fun fun.
We stopped at a rest stop and everyone but me was attacked by a furious swarm of mosquitoes. =/
They were all in the facilities whilst I was walking the dogs around, and suddenly, my dad, my stepmom, and my little brother come flying back, screaming, "GET IN THE CAR! JUST GET IN THE CAR!"
As they approached, I saw several mildly thick swarms of what looked like gnats, but were, rather, blood-sucking insects.
So, I got bit like, three or four times, and everyone else is covered in bites/smooshed bug guts & bodies. =/

Later. . .
ohmygoodness.

Three guess where we are. :D
No, we're not at the hospital.
No, we're not at the grocery store.
No, we're not at the strip club.

You lose. We're at the ocean. :D
The ocean is the sex.
I want to sex the ocean.
Only, not really, because there's creepy crawly things in there. =/

OCEAN! :D" width="181" border="0" height="242">

Later. . .

Oh dear. My brother is running around waving a hatchet over his head.
This is NOT a good sign. D:

Saturday.
Good morning. :D
It's more-nee-guh, and we're at the...
No, not the hospital.
No, not the grocery store.
No, not the strip club.

Gosh, you lose again!
We're at the beach. :D

The kids at the beach are SO cute. :D
Two of them wanted to meet Enrique. =]
I didn't let him speak, of course, considering he's such a potty mouth. >=/
I wonder if any of the parents would notice if I took one of the kids home with me...

In a tree! :D" width="146" border="0" height="195">

Later. . .

Ohmigoo-ness.
You might not believe it, but Enrique's relatives came to visit him RIGHT HERE ON THIS VERY BEACH. O:
Honest to blog.
I'm sitting there, reading on my towel, when my brother comes flying up, screaming,
"SSSSHHHEEEELLLLBEEEE!!!"
He didn't look hurt or in danger of any sort, so I chose to ignore him.
"SSSSHHHEEEELLLLBEEEE!!! SSSSHHHEEEELLLLBEEEE!!!"
"....OKAY, what do you want?"
"...There are seals in the ocean!"
"...I know, that's where they live."
"No, I mean, we saw one!"
I found it hard to believe that seals would get that close to humans, that close to a public beach SWARMING with them.
"Really, now? And can Dad confirm that was what you REALLY saw?"
"YES! Come look!"
That's when I noticed the gathering spectators around mi padre, so I decided to follow. =/
And what do you think I saw?
No, not the hospital.
No, not the grocery store.
No, not the strip club.
God, you SUCK at this game. :D
Do not feed/harass the sea lions." border="0">
We saw black things popping their heads out of the water in the distance. :D
Enrique began to scream,
"MY PEOPLE! YOU'RE NOT ALL COATS!!!"

...So I had to restrain him to prevent him from escaping by burying him up to his neck in the sand. =/

Enrique tried to swim back to Antarctica, so I detained him by burying him in the sand." width="189" border="0" height="141">

Later. . .

I've been having quite a bit of fun "That's what she said"-ing my brother.
"It's just so WIDE, and so DEEP!" [the ocean, that is.]
"That's what she said."
"And you're able to fit so much STUFF in it! It's so amazing to think about."
"That's what she said."
"It's so HUGE, you can't even see the end of it from down there!"
"That's what she said."
"And if you- ...oh. Oh, damn you! I just got that!"
"That's what she said."
"Shut up."
"That's what she said."
*throws sand dollar at sister*
"...That's what she said."

Later. . .

I tried to make a mermaid body around Enrique's head out of sand, but it just doesn't look right. =/
He's too manly to be a convincing mermaid. =/

Later. . .

OHMIDEARLORDYLORDY.
We just got back from a five hour hike. D:
Also, I may or may not have had to get to know some bushes better than I would've liked to... -.-
Anyway, a friend of mi padre's said that Cape Trail was one of the most beautiful places he's ever hiked, and he's been hiking in like, Bolivia, and exotic places like that. =/
As we started out, I believed him to be right, and during the first 45 minutes, it just kept getting increasingly breath taking. :D

Cape Lookout Trails! :D" width="152" border="0" height="203"> The start of our ridiculous five-hour hike. -.-" width="217" border="0" height="162">

BUT THEN, things started getting pretty icky. D: Mud covered EVERYTHING, and it was juts nasty- although we occasionally came across some stunning lookouts, giving us a glimpse of the ocean- in which we saw MORE SEALS. :D
People went by, increasing our expectations, going, "You're almost there! Keep going, IT'S WORTH IT!"
But, then, we got there.
And my dad goes, as we stare out at a rather plain view of a rim of the ocean,
"We came all the way up here for THIS?"

And sure, the top was great... fantastic, even.
But honestly, it was NOTHING compared to the first hour of hiking. >=/
I met a banana slug on the way down, though! :D
He was spotted.
and amazing.
and sluggy. :D

Mister Banana Slug! :D" width="214" border="0" height="173">

Sunday.
My brother and I were just playing that game where you throw food at someone's face and they have to catch it in their mouth. We're using almonds.
The first seventy or so bounced off his forehead/eye/chin/other eye. =/
"...OW! Aim for my mouth!"
"That's what she said."
"OW!"
Finally, he caught a grand total of four.
Oh, and did I mention we were playing in the middle of the campsite parking lot?
Yeah. and everyone was like, trying to drive around us and back up without running us over. It was pretty fantastic. :D

Later. . .

Gasp! My step mom says we're going to see The Octopus Tree! :D
This means I'm going to get to pick myself a baby octopus! :DDD
When I turn into a grown-up, I want to fill my yard with these magical trees so they'll grow me baby octopi! :D

Later. . .

We just got back from the lice house [yes, LICE! :D] and the octopus tree.

Lighthouse! :D" width="119" border="0" height="158">

I was very disappointed to discover that it didn't really grow baby octopi.
D:
It was horrifying.
My dad assured me that we had just gotten there too late, and that they had already ripened and someone picked them all, but they really DID grow on the tree- which is good, I suppose, because that means I can still fill my yard with them. :D

I was quite disappointed to discover that the Octopus Tree didn't actually grow real octopi. D:" width="218" border="0" height="164">

Later. . .

I'm going to find myself a baby octopi somewhere else, then, since the tree is lacking in such. >=/
I'm sure there's another sea-creature-orchard around here somewhere...

Later. . .

OOH! we're in Tillamook! :D Haha, that makes me think of Lois.
I wonder where the cheese factory is?
....THERE IT IS! :D
" width="232" height="175">

Later. . .

Woo! An eventful two hours! :D
First, we got incredibly lost in Portland trying to get to Powell's book store. D:
Oh, and we ended up at a strip club, which was fun. =/
When we finally got there.... oh, my dear lordy lordy, this place could be my only form of heaven.
There were like, five floors, all entirely FILLED with books. I'd be shocked if there was a book that they DIDN'T have. :D
Oh. and I found myself a baby octopi there. :DDD
Since my chances of talking mom into getting another iguana are actually pretty slim, I decided to go ahead and name him Boo Radley. :D
But if I get an iguana, Mr. Octopus is getting a name change.
This is my octopi. His name is Boo Radley. " width="161" border="0" height="120">

Later. . .

HAHAHA! My dad and stepmom are talking about the moon controling the tide. >.<
Hee Hee. This makes me think of Nin and our dance. :D
THE
CONTROLS THE
THAT CONTROLS THE
THAT CONTROL YOUR

Monday.

So, you're not going to believe what happened after we got back to camp last night.
We pull up to the front gate, and this ranger guy approaches the car.
"You must be, let me guess... Wendy... Stewart?"
And that's when we remembered the dogs. D:
In the midst of getting desperately lost in downtown Portland for hours and seeing all the tourist attractions- three homeless shelters, a strip club, and a hooker- YES, even a hooker- we had forgotten the fact that we had furry friends who had stayed behind on our little expedition.
"There was a situation with your dogs..."
"Oh, no... oh no. Crap. No. oh no."
Basically, Lacey, a two-year-old pitbull pup, got out of her harness.
"I noted that it was a FULL BODY harness, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, we got it because she figured out how to get her collar off."
"Well, it's beyond me how she managed it, but she got out of her harness, too!"


After Lacey broke loose, leaving our other dog, Cosmo, behind, she proceeded to terrorize the other campers and their dogs in the area.
"We were getting a ton of reports of a loose dog, and after main complaints, for the safety of others, we attempted to re-harness her."
OOH. Good luck with THAT. =/
I guess she led them in a wild goose chase all over the freaking globe- and she started getting aggressive.
"We chased her all over- from the camp, to the OTHER SIDE of the camp, to the beach, to the main entrance up here... it was insane."
As she got increasingly aggressive towards them, they called the sheriff in.
"She's a very, VERY good guard dog- very protective- and there's nothing wrong with that, you've got a good dog, but none of us could get near her."
So, the cop had had it. This crazy chase, which had been going on for a significant amount of hours, had left him flustered, and he was going to take her into the pound.
They didn't, though, because the nice ranger guy convinced him not to.
Finally, they just grabbed Lacey, threw her in the nearest tent, and zipped her inside.

We came back to see the entire tent moving, and Cosmo laying beside it guiltily. =/
All day, we've been getting comments like,
"So that's YOUR dog?"
"Your dog got loose while you were gone yesterday."
and thousands of dirty looks.
D:

Later. . .

Haha. Some girls just came up and were petting Lacey when one of them goes,
"Wait- isn't this the dog the cops were out here looking for yesterday?"
Looks like Lacey's got herself a bit of a reputation now. =]

Later. . .

Lovely.
We're having a bonfire out on the beach, and my brother is running around in the sand doing what he refers to as "The Clam Dance".
...Oh. Now it appears he has fallen into a hole in the dark.

Later. . .

Now he's decided to do a jig for us and sing a beautiful song.
"Oh, yipie I-oh, I just had SEX with a lot of these burgers! It felt good, but it felt like-"
"STOP, HAYDEN! JUST STOP RIGHT THERE!"
Then he started giggling like a woman and rolling around in the sand.
:D

Tuesday.

On our way back to the potato state! :D
I seriously don't think I've ever looked forward to doing laundry as much as I do right now. D:

Later. . .

TEE HEE. We just passed a place with a big sign that said "Adult Truck Stop".
Hayden wanted to know why only adults were allowed in there.
XD
Har dee har har.

Later. . .

Awww.... Home sweet FREAKING HOME! :D

Beach! :D" width="377" border="0" height="281">
Sunset! :D" width="260" border="0" height="277"> William! In my pocket! :D" width="212" border="0" height="283">

Escape from the Fish Artillery Academy, Part 3.

ESCAPE FROM THE FISH ARTILLERY ACADEMY.

Texting Betsey Again-
Even LATER hours of the night....

Me= Purple.
Betsey= Red.
Balooga Whale= Blue.


Me- "At the Fish Artillery Academy, if you consider dropping out, they brand a fish into your cheek."
Betsey- "Oh god. I sure hope you know for sure that you're staying there."
"Don't worry, Betsey! It's been my dream ever since an hour ago! Of course I'm not going to change my mind. I'm leaving for the academy tonight."
"Does your mother know?"
"Ha. Um. She thinks I'm going to the mall. But she might not notice if I'm gone for a little longer, say, a year or so."
"Oh, of course. That's perfect."

LATER THAT NIGHT....

"BETSEY BETSEY! YOU'VE GOT TO GET ME OUT OF HERE! THEY WANT ME TO GIVE MY TOES TO OLD WISE ONE AS A SACRIFICE...."
"Tell them you're worshipping someone else."
"BUT THEY'LL BRAND ME, BETSEY- they'll brand me... WITH THE MARK OF THE FISH!" D:
"If you worship someone else? Well then. We'll just have to see about them converting MY followers...."
"So you'll rescue me, then? and burn it to the ground with your magic god powers? :D You better hurry... they're coming back with a whip."
"I hope you run. I'm flooding it in three minutes."

D:

"...but there's quicksand and savages and pits of needles and blahbumps...[t9 accident] I mean, alligators... beyond the fence!"
"Well, you better get out of there."
"....the front door is jammed."

No answer. No Sympathy.

"....did someone leave the kitchen sink running?"
"I don't know. The door shouldn't be jammed anymore."
"...I wish I'd have known that before I got stuck in the window."
"Can't help you there."
"OH NO... and it's too late to DIET! MY BUTT HAS ME TRAPPED! D: ...why does my backside suddenly feel wet? ...OH NO, THE FLOOD, IT'S-" *water breaks window*
"There you go."
"*gurgle gurgle*"

No answer. No sympathy.

"I can't swim...."
"I just sent you a floatie."

" :D OHMIGAWD! AND IT'S A DUCK! Thaaaank you! ...why, hello there Mister Alligator, how are you toda-" *SNAP!POP*
"No no. Your duck isn't popable. And that alligator is now a balooga whale."
"BAH-LOOOO-GAH! :D and that wasn't my duck. It was my head. Also, the balooga is refusing to give me a ride home."
"He better not."
"He says I'll get his back all muddy, and he has a date to get to, and he doesn't have time for this crap."
"Tell him I said he has to give you a ride."

"...he says he wants to talk to you personally about this. Should I put him on?"
"Yeah."

Whale- "BET-SAY, GIRLLL, I GOT NO TIME FO DIS CRAP! I got me a HOT DATE tonight, and DAMN girl, is she FINE! Can I just leave the short one? She'll float to shore eventually..."
"...I'll get your date over to the shoreline. So you two can meet. She'll think more of you for it."
"Throw in a bottle of pink champagne and you got yourself a deal. Oh, and a box of trojans. And by trojans I mean the army, not the condoms. For a midnight snack."
"I'll go for the trojans. But pink champagne is too much."

"How bout a bed on the beach? For some WHHHAAAALE LOVIN? and by whale lovin I mean for a good night's sleep after the tiring journey. Bitch no gettin in MY bed, oh HAIIIL no!"
"If you don't want the trojans."

*moment of intense thinking*

"...damn girl. I might have to think about this one."
"hurry up, or you'll be late."
"....OH NO OH NO. Um, just outta curiousity, what did your little friend look like again? Did she look like a duck floatie? Because that's all that's there..."
"Oh my god... She should show up soon."
"....She just went riding by on Nessie."

"Okay. Just throw her the floatie and go find your date."
"Thank you, Master Bet-Say! wish me luck, on getting lucky. and by getting lucky I mean that she'll pay for dinner. I could eat a village, dawg!"
"Haha, weird."

One Hour Later....

"BETSEY GIRL GUESS WHAT? She's PAYING, girl! I ordered one of everything! So did your little friend ever get home?"
"...I don't know. I sort of expected you to give her phone back too."
"Oh no, oh damn girl, this ain't good. WAITER, BRING MY BITCH SOME NAPKINS, SHE GONNA NEED EM'! What? Don't look at me like that, you got kelp all ova yo face."
"You're rude."
"Are you kiddin'? She don't mind. She know where her place is."
"Wow..."
"Hey girl, yo short friend just walked in with the Loch Ness Monster, and they holdin hands and getting a table. ...BITCH, I SAID WIPE YO FACE BEFORE I SMACK IT!"

"You're terrible."
"I don't know, I sure score a lot. And by score, I mean in the sense that I play football."
"Haha, give the phone to my little friend."
"Will do girl. I'm gonna go home and watch TV. And by watching TV I mean having sex."
"Lovely."

"BETSEY! I finally met the Loch Ness monster and he asked me out to dinner! :D I'm getting... Hmm. All they serve here is kelp and salted kelp."
"I heard. What's the restraunt?"
"It's called, 'Kelp and Salted Kelp Restraunt.'"
"Very creative."

"I got to go. Goodnight."
"Nighty Night. Nessie and I might go back to my place. To bake cookies."
"Let me know how that goes."

THE NEXT MORNING....

*sobbing* "BETSEY! We went back to my place to bake cookies together, and... IT WAS A GUY IN A SUIT ALL ALONG! It wasn't Nessie at all..." *Sobs*

No answer. No sympathy.

"And to think... we almost baked COOKIES together! Cookies, Betsey! COOKIES!"

"I'm sorry."
"oh god- Nessie, I LOVED YOU! By the way, on my way out of the restraunt, your whale friend told me my outfit made me look extra chubby today."
"He's kind of a butthead. So sorry."
"It's okay. His date matched the description of a wanted seriel killer that's been enticing men into her house and shanks them. So karma has the upper hand."

HOURS LATER. . .

"Hey, Betsey! :D I just found out about this great school called Squid Ammunition School. It's always been my dream to build squid-based weapons..."
"No, I think I'm not helping you out of one of those situations again..."
"But, Betsey-"

THE END.

Rules of the Fish Artillery Academy, part 2.

Texting Betsey, late hours of the night.

Me= Purple.
Betsey= red.

Me- "I'm not going to be an English teacher anymore. I'm majoring in Fish Artillery."
Betsey- "Well, it's so nice to see that your old dreams have faded so fast."
"You should join me, Betsey- teaching is out, fish weapons are in. And the rewards are great. Instead of grades, you get buckets of fish. It's GREAT motivation!"
"Wow. Very motivating."
"Exactly! An 'A' is worth three buckets of salmon. Failing grades get you a rotting fish head."
"Those must be very big buckets."
"They are. Quite big buckets. Rumor has it that the honor roll students get TWO buckets, but it's kept a secret because everyone else'll get jealous."
"...but I thought an A got you three...."
"....oh. Yeah. Um, well, they get DOUBLE. of COOKED salmon. We're forbidden to cook our salmon."
"Oh my. What lucky duckies..."
"Yeah. Gosh, I'm so tempted to build a fire and cook my salmon... but they confiscated all matches, lighters, and other fish-burning paraphernalia."

No answer. No Sympathy.

"Maybe a fish can also be cooked using body heat... *rubs on forehead*"
"Haha... attractive."

Rules of the Fish Artillery Academy:

1. Students must wear their herring-hats at all times. Any student caught with herring-hats disjointed from head will be severely punished. 2. No matches, lighters, portable heaters, or any other form of fish-cooking paraphernalia will be allowed within 300 ft. of the campus. Any student caught cooking a fish without permission from the headmaster will be tarred and feathered, for cooking a fish is a mortal sin. 3. Any student caught cheating will be used as a test subject for experimental fish artillery weapons. 4. Grading is as follows:
A- 3 buckets of salmon.
B- 2 buckets of okay-tasting fish.
C- Half a bucket of day-old goldfish.
D- A rotting fish head.
F- Execution.

5. The school mascot- a taxidermy catfish in a glass case, displayed in the main hall, will prayed to three times a day- at morning, at lunch, and at dusk. On Saturdays, offerings of clam chowder will be given by candle light at his alter. Oh, and he will be addressed as "Old Wise One".
6. Applying for honor roll has... certain benefits. To apply, report to the main office and fill out a form. A period of two days is given for the student to make any last goodbyes to friends and/or family members.

Honor Roll Selection Process:
The student will be taken by plane to the wilderness and set loose within a series of survival courses, which may or may not contain any of the following: quicksand, alligators, plague-ridden chimpanzees, savage cannibal tribes, or any of the traps featured in the Saw movies, such as, but not limited to, the pit of needles and tunnels of barbed wire.

If a student makes it back to the air craft alive within 24 hours, they are escorted back to campus and are placed before Old Wise One in a kiddie pool filled with water. The headmaster will stand before the pool, a plugged-in toaster in his/her hand, they will say,
"OLD WISE ONE, IS THIS CHILD WORTHY OF YOUR GRACE?"

And then a coin is flipped to determine your fate.

7. Any student caught:
A) mingling with a student from the Squid Ammunition School across the road, or B) considering to dropout
Will be escorted down to the COUNSELOR'S OFFICE for reprimanding. Students may or may not return with a fish branded into their left cheek as a mark of disgrace.
8. If a student is heard, seen, or even rumored to have thought ill thoughts towards Old Wise One or have spoken out against him or disgraced him in any way, shape, or form, they will be burned at the steak- yes, the steak as in the steak that you eat, during the next pep assembly.
9. DRESS CODE:
Students are forbidden to wear the color purple, for Old Wise One dislikes the color purple with a great hatred. And student caught wearing purple will also have a fish branded into their skin, only this time, onto the soles of their feet so it hurts to walk.

OH BOY!
SIGN ME UP! :D

Herring Hats and Fish Artillery, Party 1.

Fish Artillery Blog, part 1.

I'm reading those weird British-girl books again, and I'm quite intrigued by what I'm learning of the Viking heritage.

"Ja, and when I take you my bride, Rosie, to my people, they will laugh and sing and kill the herring and make hats with the herrings."
"...Is Sven saying his mum and dad are going to make you a herring hat?
"Yes! Exciting, isn't it?"

I decided I don't want a wedding ring when I get married, for I'd much rather have a herring hat.
Betsey and I decided my viking husband must have a big bushy beard, a lazy eye, hairy eye-lids, and a peg leg.
Talk about hotness. ;D

All this talk about herrings made me think of an idea I was discussing with Miles and Mike not too long ago:

FISH ARTILLERY.

So, it's a gun shaped like a fish.
That shoots OTHER, smaller fish.
At high speeds, like a machine gun.

Why, you ask?
Because there's no worse torture than being covered in fish, and the Fillet-O-Death™ shoots them out so fast that your enemy is covered almost instantly.



Only, there needs to be a way to keep these fish-based weapons hydrated.
Mike suggested that they should be kept in giant ice cubes.




The problem faced here is that once you encounter an enemy and you both draw your weapons, it becomes a race to see who can thaw their fish faster.
Once you and your foe have begun to rub your weapons vigorously[oh boy!] and breathing on them, or even resulting to trying to melt the cubes down with a lighter, one of you will no doubt fall victim to death by fish.




So, instead of becoming an English teacher, I'm going to the school for fish artillery- because there TOTALLY is one- and I'm going to major in creating the Fillet-O-Death™, the most advanced form of fish-based weaponry.
This will be revolutionary.

Moses and the Zombie Invasion

My Biology Assignment:
To write a children's book about the gastropod phylum.
Here is the story of Moses the snail, zombies, gangstas, and the black plague.

Moses was a plain, boring snail. Everything about him was painfully simple, just like the rest of his gastropod phylum.

Out of all the places that snails could live, whether in heavenly forests, beautiful gardens, or even adapting to live in a high-class desert, Moses got saddled with living in an old tissue box inside of a smelly ditch.

The rest of his family was excruciatingly bland as well, down to their bilateral symmetry and their little snail feet, used for locomotion. Unfortunately, Moses' singular foot did him no good, considering they never went anywhere cool.

He was fed up with this life of eating algae and producing slime all day. Moses' family seemed to love this pathetic life, though. They were always so chipper, and it made him want to throw up all over the carpet.

One day, Moses' relatives came to visit. He was sitting there, listening to Great-Grandpa snail drone on about how in the olden days, humans would make broth out of their snail mucus and use it to treat sore throats. Halfway through the story, he decided he was done living that stupid life.

He decided to take a new turn on the road of life, and he found his true calling:
He was destined to become a "gangsta".
Moses started disrespecting his elders, wearing his pants too low around his waist, and going to the local bars to pick up lady snails.

Little did Moses know that whilst he was out in the hood with his home-skillets, his relatives were unknowingly spreading a disease they had brought with them when they came to visit.
OH, and the disease caused Zombism.
[it's hard to read the last bubble, but it says, "Why do I have a sudden urge to eat the brains of my fellow snails?"]

Moses was unaware of the disaster taking place. He believed his family to be doing the usual- climbing trees, hatching eggs, and being hermaphrodites-
Zombies were the furthest thing from his mind.

The gangsta snails didn't become zombies because they were too busy being hardcore. They were getting smashed when they suddenly heard a series of grunts and moans. Looking up, they saw a horde of zombie snails pouring over the horizon.

Moses and his homies knew it was up to them to save the world from the zombie snails.
So they busted a cap up each of them.

Only, the zombies were resistant to cap-busting.
So they set them all on fire.

Unfortunately, the smell of burning flesh only attracted more zombie snails.
So they drowned them all in the kitchen sink.

Then, they realized that zombies could breath underwater.
So they removed all their shells.

This time, they died. But the remaining zombie snails were eaten by the stupid creatures called HUMANS, which led to an outbreak of HUMAN zombies.
Moses and his homies had no problem with killing humans, considering all they ever did was sit around and eat thousands of their snail family members.
So they poisoned their water supply with the black plague.

Once all the zombies were gone, the gangstas realized that the black plague killed off all the algae left on the planet, and they knew they had to eat each other if they wanted to survive.
His friends were the best meal Moses ever had.

Moses died soon after the zombie invasion. He was bathing in the kitchen sink when somehow, the garbage disposal got turned on.
He splattered everywhere, and that was the end of Moses.