Betsey's Bedtime Story.

[bold= not in story, but exterior comments and whatnot.]
“Shelby, you should tell me a story.”
“Okay.”

_____ Once upon a time, there was a princess named Betsey who lived in a huge castle. Only, the castle was covered in fleas- they were in the carpets, the bedding, EVERYTHING. So, the princess was forced into living in her bedroom closet for the majority of her life, with nothing to eat but stale crackers and, um, fleas. Crunch crunch.
_____ One day, she ran out of stale crackers and decided that she was done with hiding away in a stupid closet. Plus, fleas tasted nasty as none-other. The princess Betsey ran to her window and shouted,
_____“OH ROMEO! What light through yonder window BREAKS WIND?”
_____Then, she held up the skull of her… um, dead aunt, and held it out, like in Hamlet. Then, up on a horse came riding-
_____“Dakota.”

_____Sure. Dakota. He comes riding up on a white horse and says to the princess,
_____“PRINCESS BETSEY! I’m a STUPID JERK and a total tease! Please forgive me! I AM NOT WORTHY!”
_____Then, a herd of water buffalo came out of nowhere and kicked dirt in his face because they knew he was full of crap, stupid, and totally NOT worth their time.
_____“OOH NO!” Shouted Dakota. “MY HAIR! It’s been VIOLATED by DIRT! I must run away and FIX IT! Oh, no, my precious hair! THE AGONY!”
_____Then he ran away, crying like a little girl.

_____Betsey looked down at the herd of water buffalo.
_____“Can you help me, kind beasts? I’m trapped in this tower, and- the fleas, OH, the terrible FLEAS! Please help me!”
_____“Oh course, young maiden!” Said the herd of water buffalo. “Just jump! We’ll catch you!”
_____So Betsey closed her eyes and jumped, a wonderful sense of freedom washing over her.
_____Only, the herd moved at the last second, letting the princess fall flat on her face in the dirt. On purpose.
_____“Assholes.”
_____Yes, that they were. Anyway, as she was picking herself up from the ground, a bird swooped down and stole princess Betsey’s crown.
_____“HEY!” She shouted.
_____The buffalo herd snickered. “Now you’re just a nothing. Without you’re crown, you’re nothing more than a commoner, a filthy peasant in filthy clothes!”
_____“But aren’t my clothes still fancy?” Interrupted the Betsey who was not in the story.
_____Um. So. The herd of buffalo kicked dust all over her clothes and ruined them permanently.
_____“Jerks.”

_____So, the buffalo ditched her, and she, um, decided to go to the fish store. She wanders in, and she was such a mess that the fish store guy thought she was a REAL FISH, and threw her in a giant tank. That had a giant shark in it.
_____“OH, I’m SOOO hungry!” Said the giant shark.
_____ So he swallowed her whole. Then, he threw her up. And then swallowed her again. And chewed her into tiny pieces.

_____Just then, an old woman hobbled into the fish store and said to the fish store guy,
_____“I’m looking for a birthday present for my grandson- I think he’d like a nice little fishy. But, I’m mostly BLIND, so you’ll have to help pick out a fish for me.”
_____So he put the shark- the one with Betsey in its tummy, into a giant sandwich bag of water and strapped it to the roof of the old woman’s car. She thought she had bought, um, a guppy. A really BIG guppy.
_____When they got home, she put the shark in a cup of water. It was then that he discovered that he could breathe out of water.
_____“WOW! I JUST REALIZED THAT I CAN BREATH OUT OF WATER!”
_____He took a step forward and upon shock of actually being able to walk, he looked down and saw that he had HUMAN GIRL LEGS, with painted toes and everything.
_____The shark realized that his mind had fused with Betsey’s mind, and that they were now one being.

_____“BURGLARS!” screamed the old woman, and proceeded to hit the half shark/half Betsey with a knitting basket.
_____*acts out hitting*
_____“ARF! ARF ARF!”
_____“…that sounds more like a dog than a basket.”
_____“…Well. Um. The knitting basket was full of. Um. Terriers. And. Um. Yarn.”
_____“Okay. That works.”

_____So the half shark/half Betsey creature ran off into the forest, where they ran into the herd of water buffalo. Betsey was pissed that they had made fun of her, so the Betsey half made the shark half eat the buffalos whole, then spit them back out, then eat them again and chew them into tiny pieces. Just like the shark had done to Betsey.
_____Then, the buffalos morphed into the Betsey Shark, and soon the Betsey Shark had HOOVES.

_____As they continued through the forest, they happened upon a skate park. In the middle of the woods. There, they entered a contest where the most, um, HARDCORE skater won… hmmm…. Um, one magic wish from a wizard named Merlin.
_____So the part shark/part Betsey/part herd of water buffalo hopped on a skateboard… that it um, stole from the old lady- NO, that it SWALLOWED, and so the wheels came out of his/her/their woman-legs. Anyway, they hopped on the board…
_____*drum roll*
_____…and fell flat on their face.

_____The entire skate park burst into hysterics, laughing at the utter failure of the Betsey/Shark/Buffalo/skateboard creature. They pointed and threw, um, popcorn. And skateboard helmets.
_____The Betsey half of the creature was crying, too hurt to do anything but weep. The buffalo half were rather irritated, but they didn’t really give a rip. The skate board half felt nothing.
_____But the shark half… the shark half was PISSED, and he wasn’t going to let some STUPID HUMANS mock HIM.

_____So he whips out a machine gun…
_____“No. he shoots the bullets out of his nipples.”
_____On second thought, he actually SHOT THE BULLETS OUT OF HIS NIPPLES at the crowd and blew them to bits. That sure showed them.

_____Then, after winning the contest, the Betsey/Shark/Buffalo/Skateboard/Machine gun went to see the magical wizard named Merlin. When they got to the cottage- um…
_____*writing it down later*
_____“…Betsey, I forgot what happened when they got to Merlin’s cottage.”
_____“Something about him changing me back, but he screwed it all up.”
_____“oh yeah.”
_____After Merlin waved his wand, the beings separated and became five separate people again. But then… the shark discovered he still had woman-legs. Betsey had buffalo hooves. The buffalo herd had… um, bullets for eyes. The machine gun had a fin. And the skateboard had a raccoon tail, but no one knew where the hell THAT came from.

_____“What’d I tell you happened after that?”
_____“Um. I think they got mad and killed the wizard or something.”
_____“Oh. That works.”
_____So, they got mad and killed the wizard. Then they all lived happily ever after. Except the wizard.

The End.