"KILL IT DEAD!"

So Nin comes over and there's this giant spider on my ceiling.

"DON'T KILL IT!"

"You want to put it outside? Be my guest."

"…do you have a broom to kill it with, then?"

"On the porch. Have fun."

Nin, broom in hand, begins going at it with the brushety end.

"That's not going to kill it! Use the other end."

"The other end?" *flips broom sideways*

"….THE POINTY END."
"….why?"

"The brushety end doesn't exert enough pressure to mush it into the wall. Trust me on this one."

"Well, how am I supposed to kill it with the POINTY end?"

"You aim."

"AIM??"

"Yes, aim."

"But I can't aim- OHMYGOD, THAT THING LOOKS A LOT BIGGER UP HERE…"

My phone rings and it's Dooby. Our chat is interrupted by a piercing Nin-like scream.

"IT'S DEAD! I TOLD YOU THE BRUSH END WOULD WORK!"

"Well, where'd it go?"

"Uh. Well- half of it's up here." She pointed proudly at the spot where the spider used to be.

"You flipping genius- It's probably crawling around here, half dead."

"But I ripped like, half of its body off-"

"They NEVER die,"

"…BUT I RIPPED HALF- OF- ITS- FREAKING- BODY- OFF!"

I look. "I don't see anything."

"See that? That's half of it."

"No, Nin- that's not even close to half! That was like, the Titanic of the spider world. Also, that's a chip in the paint."

Nin looked closer.

"That doesn't mean I didn't kill it,"

"But you didn't,"

"UH-HUH!"

Later, we're watching some rather disturbing Rammstien videos and I decide that we are in need of the magical force called coffee. When I walk into the kitchen, here comes this monster truck-sized spider out of my kitchen to greet me.

"OHMYGOD! BUT I KILLED IT!"

"But you didn't kill it DEAD!"

So I took matters into my own hands and beat the life out of him until he was not only killed, but killed DEAD.

"…YOU LIKE HIS PUFFY FROSTING??"

"…I said PELVIC THRUSTING."

"Oh. Okay."

"BASH! Toadstool!"

Then we watched Teeth.

Need I say more? =]

Nin- "Pssst… if I cut my hair, Hawaii will sink!"

*starts coughing/laughing excitedly*

Nin- "I CAN FLY!"

*chugs coffee*

Nin- "Moi! J'ai soif! Je voudras une CAFÉ!"

Me-"Is there a reason your mom doesn't let you have coffee?"

Nin-*shakes head, chugs*

Then she started dancing to Cigaro, which, for those of you who haven't heard the song, goes a little something like-

"MY COCK IS MUCH BIGGER THAN YOURS! MY COCK CAN WALK RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR-"

Then, she moved onto-

"SUGAH!" *flails arms excitedly*

"So- how's that coffee going on in your system, there, Nin?"

"DEW DO- DAH DO DO- DO DEW! SISSA!"

She doubles over, giggling. "OHMYGOD- I SAID SISSA INSTEAD OF SUGAH! Ahahahaha…" *pauses* "…..AHAHAHAHA!"

I sit, bemused, sipping my coffee.

Nin- *places hands on forehead, wiggles fingers* "My BRAINS are comin' outta mah SKULL!"

A-Ha's "Take on Me" comes on. Nin stops dancing for a moment and gasps, as if she had an idea- which is never usually good. She runs from the room, screaming,

"WHERE'S YOUR CAT?"

"She's upstairs. Wait…. NIN, NO-"

Nin- *fills cheeks with air, pretends to swim*

Me- "Are you being a pufferfish again?"

Nin- *squeals with laughter, slaps knees*

She reaches forward. "MORE!"

I eye the coffee.

"Some?"

"I don't think you need any more coffee, Nin."

"SOME!" D:<

I held it out to her, and just because I'm mean, I pulled it back. The second time, she won.

"Don't you think you're hyper enough?"

She shook her head vigorously.

"You know that guy from Blue's Clues? The Steve guy? GETTHISGETTHISGETTHIS- he SINGS!"

"…what does he sing?"

*shrieks* "I don't know, but- HE SINGS!"

She proceeded to spin around my floor until she spilled a bit of her coffee. Dragging her butt the way a dog with worms would, she proclaims, "MUST! GET! PAPER! TOWELS!"

"We're out of paper towels,"

"Getting- CLOSER!"

I follow her into the kitchen.

"We're out. No paper towels. All gone."

Nin shook her head, still spinning in circles at my feet.

At this point, I couldn't tell if she was crying or laughing. Maybe a little of both.

"OW! AHAHAHAHA!" *falls to floor* "…Ew. It's dirty under here."

She sits up. "AHA! UNDERWEAR! AHAAHAHA…"

This made her remember another HILARIOUS joke.

"OH.MY.GOD."

Nin stood up. "What did- THE BOY MELON- say to the- GIRL MELON- right before they got married?"

"Gee, Nin- do tell."

"We CANTALOPE!"

She cracked herself up. AGAIN.

"GET IT? GET IT? Because they CAN'T ELOPE?"

A little bit later-

"YOU JEW!"

Even later-

"Check out my under bite! I'm like a monkey!"
After locating another song to screech to-

"MUTUALLY, MENTALLY MOLESTED- CHILDREN OF- SIIIIIINNN!"

-She reached for the coffee.

"More!"

"YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE!"

"YES I DO!"

She raised her arms and started making cheeping noises, then grabbed my coffee and started… making weird noises… at it. O_O

That's the only way I know how to describe it. :/

"BLAECK! BLAECK BLAECK BLAECK!"

*holds coffee to ear*

"……..beep beep?"

*pulls back*

"BLAECK! BLAECK BLAECK BLAECK!"

…then she finally ran out.

"PPPFFFLP- I don't want to be a- CHEEK-EEN! So I'll shake my PELVIS! ALL AROUND YOUR CHAIR!"

"You left out the part about the turkey-"

"I- am pregnant! And- I have-"*picks up glue bottle* "a GLUE BABY!"

"When I grow up-" *wiggles hands on face* "I wanna be- a puhhhhferfeesh!"

*pushes eyelids back* "….LOOK AT MAH EYEBALLS!"

Nin paused for a moment and got on her "creepy face".

"Me n' Samuel are goin' to Chucky Cheese to- AHAHAHAHA!"

She didn't get halfway through the Smosh quote before bursting into hysterics again.

"….I'm getting really sick to my stomach."

"Well, I wonder why? …HOW ABOUT SOME MORE COFFEE? THAT'LL HELP!"

"Don't blame the coffee! It's probably from your- STUPID, NON-FILTERED WATER!"

"HEY! My water is the best and you know it!"

We both grin and say in sync, "My sex is the BEST."

"HA! We both said that at the SAME TIME! HIGH FIVE!"

This blog has gone on for FOUR. WHOLE. PAGES. On Microsoft Word.

So I'm going to sum up the remainder of this magical evening-

"Will you put your straw in MY milkshake?"

"I ate a grape and I JIZZED. IN. MY PANTS."

"Hurry up, Jessie- I'm freezing my butt off."

"Don't rush me, okay? It's harder to find ice sickles that fit in your nose than it looks!"

"Oh, Tedward! I'd rather DIE than live without you!"

"…..Okay!"

"I know what you are, Tedward! I'll say it!"

"FINE. Say it, then!"

"….Republican."

"No."

"…Mormon."

"No."

"…Gay."

"Why do I always get that from people???"

Yo, dis is sihlint heel,

dis a mooohvaey.

got stuhck on a heel-

a mutha fuhckan heel.

Mutha fuhckan heel.

Bitch geht outta mutha fuhckn car,

Stuhck on a mutha fuhckan heel.

Take piece of mutha fuhckan sheet,

mutha fuhckan heel,

mutha fuhckan sheet.

"AAAIIIIEEE!"

:D …don't ask. =]

Texting-

Me- I'm giving birth.

Dooby- Name the child after me. Or something Asian.

Me- I dub this child- SIR DOOBY CHAI LATTE!

Dooby- >=D raise it to be a super villain! BWAAHAHA!

Me- Steal that purse, kiddo! AHA! >:D

Dooby- Give him a cracker every time he does stuff the RIGHT WAY!

Me- Yes- a ritz, for putting a red sock… IN THE WHITE CLOTHES LAUNDRY! >:D BWAHAHAHA…

Dooby- >=) This will be the end of ends. Thank you, TC's vagina.

The Desanitizer.

Lois, Nin, Sally, Laura and I were having a bit of prank-calling fun. We got a hold of this guy who was hammered as a nail. "This is Becky from the Tillamuck CHEESE factory. I'm calling to inform you that your order of cheese was lost in a freak accident involving a tidal wave."

Lois and Sally bickered with him for a little while.
"You have to think about how old you are? That's pretty pathetic."
Lois asks, "Sir, have you been taking any illegal substances this evening?"
Mumbling on the other end.
"EEE-LEGAL," she sounded out the word, "SUB-STAAAAAHHNCES."
More mumbling.
"I SAID, sir- have you been taking any EEEEE-LEEGAL- SUB-STAAAAHNNCES? No, No! illegal- EEE-LEGAL SUBSTAAAAHHHNNCES! NO-"
This went on for some time.

While we were doing this, Laura was messing with some of Micah's toys that were overflowing from the moving boxes. Some of them looked like… *coughSEXTOYScough*
"What's this for?"
"Oh, that?" I giggled. "I left that over here last night, if you catch my drift."
She didn't catch my drift.
"What is it?"
Sally goes, "I don't think you want to touch that… it's… unsanitary."
Laura set it down and picked up another one that lit up. "what about this one?"
"I used it to… look for my car keys. I left them in Nin's… jacket pocket."
"Ohhh, her POCKET?"
"I always lose stuff in MY pocket…"

You hear Lois over there on the phone going, "FACT- bears- eat- beats. Bears- beats- BATTLESTAR GALLACKTICA!"
Laura's next item also lit up.
"That one's got memories. I got a boat stuck up there once- sailing the RED SEA."
Lois, into the phone, screams- "you have won- ONE- THOUSAND- DOLL-AIRS!"

Laura hands me this circular shaped thingymerglobber.
"I love how there's a compass on this thing- I always seem to get lost."
"I don't see why," Sally says. "all you really need to know is north and south- OR JUST SOUTH!"
"What is it?"
"It's the desantitizer!"
Laura drops the pocket-searcher.
"QUICK! PUT IT IN THE DESANITIZER!"
We decided to call in this dating hotline.
Lois- "So, I'm a dancer, so I'm super limber-"
Nin- "MOMMY, DADDY BEATS ME!"
Lois- "GET BACK IN THE CUPBOARD! WHO SAID YOU COULD COME OUT?"
Sally- "BUT ALL I EAT IS SUNSCREEN!"
Me- "THE GOVERNMENT! THE GOVERNMENT! THE GOVERNMENT!"
Lois- "I'LL KILL YOU UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD! I'LL SHOOT YOU WITH MY KNIFE!"
Later…
Me- "that's a mighty fine accent you got there. Where'd you get your's? I got mine from a little chica down at the home depot."
A little later, we get a recording…
"We're sorry, but your voice message sounds a little young. Please call customer support to verify that you're eighteen."

Laura was talking on her phone to a friend in Texas.
"There were some guys in the lesbian areas, too…"
Sally screams, "I WANT A GUY IN MY LESBIAN AREA!"
A few minutes later…
"Whoa there, tiger! That's a violation! ...DO IT AGAIN!"
A little bit later…
"Maybe they got hungry and walked out…"
"No, ONLY YOUR PARENTS do THAT!"
later…
"I AM NOT AN ORANGE JEW!"

Birt and Ernie's Marriage Problems

EOC History Prompt: What factors helped the Americans win the war for independence?

Tortilinie's Essay- [the one they made me redo- I also added to the length in the blog.]

Birt and Ernie's Marriage Problems

It was a beautiful day on Sesame Street- the sun was busy shining, Wanda was busy fixing toasters, that one chick with the dog was busy being blind- and Birt and Ernie were fighting again.

"All you ever do is sit here and play with your model train sets-"

"SHUT UP! I'M BUSY!"

"You're always busy with those trains!"

"MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T ALWAYS WITH RUBBER DUCKY,YOU!" MAYBE I'D SPEND MORE TIME WITH

"DON'T YOU BLAME HIM FOR THIS!"

This was a usual occurrence. After a fight, Ernie would weep and head on upstairs to take a nice, soothing bath while Birt would throw any object not properly secured to the floor/counter/ceiling into the wall of their crappy apartment.

As Ernie's tear-salt mingled with the bath-salt, he reached into the cupboard to reveal Rubber Ducky.

"Oh, Rubber Ducky- he just doesn't understand how much I love you!"

As he used to the duck to dry his tears, there was the sound of a ceiling fan crashing through the plaster dry-wall.

"What's that you say, Rubber Ducky?" Ernie sniffled. "That's a great idea! I'll tell Birt!"

Witness accounts report seeing Birt chase Ernie, wearing nothing but a towel, down the street wielding a hot iron with intent of murder. Birt's anger was triggered when Ernie told him that his secret lover, Rubber Ducky, had suggested they go to marriage counseling. Authorities say that the couple is now in COURT-ORDERED marriage counseling as result of the attempt made by Birt to end Ernie's life.

"You see, Doctor Snuffy-" Ernie began. "Birt has a lot of deep emotions- so deep that he has trouble expressing them. That's why we have so many problems."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT!" Birt screamed. "IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME!"

"RUBBER DUCKY AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS!"

"THAT'S A LOAD OF CRAP! CRAP, I TELL YOU!"

Five minutes into the session, chairs started flying out the window.

"Now, Birt- tell me why you think you smashed that paper weight into Ernie's nose?"

"He was very emotional, and he did it because-"

"Now, Ernie- I want to know what Birt feels about the situation."

"I DID IT BECAUSE I WAS PISSED!"

"See? You can't speak for Birt- only he knows why he does things. Birt, I want you to start speaking your mind and telling Ernie what you really feel."

"I DON'T GIVE A FREAKING CRAP!"

"That's a good start." The snuffaluffagus scrawled something on a prescription pad.

"YES! PILLS!"

"NO, these are INSTRUCTIONS. Birt, I want you to take Ernie to a fancy restaurant, just the two of you. No distractions, and no talk about Rubber Ducky or any other matters as such- just reconnect with each other. Also, Birt- I want you to say everything that you feel so that Ernie understands."

"I FEEL THAT THIS FOOD TASTES LIKE CRAP!"

After Birt's outburst, there came a squeaking noise from Ernie's pocket.

"YOU… BROUGHT… HIM HERE???"

The couple found themselves once again in Doctor Snuffy's office. Ernie had a black eye and Birt had a bad hangover.

"Okay, now, I want Birt to express to me through interpretive dance why the dinner went badly

."

There were ten solid minutes of crashing, bashing, smashing, and mashing.

"I see," Doctor Snuffy said, adjusting his glasses. "I have just the thing. I want you two have dinner together-"

"NO!" they both screamed.

"-only this time I want this to be an "at home" dinner. No distractions, no gross food- and NO RUBBER DUCKY." He shot Ernie a knowing look. "also, I want Birt to prepare this meal. It will be as if he is preparing his feelings for you and then feeding them to you- a feast of the soul."

Birt pulled a flask out of his jacket and took a long swig.

After he dropped Ernie off at the spa, Birt loitered around the vending machines.

"Hmm… what am I going to make for dinner?"

He put in some change, hit C2, and exclaimed, "AHA! Doritos! A perfect dinner."

It was then that he saw Big Bird walk into the tanning bed.

A cruel smile spread across his face as Birt had an idea. "How about some… turkey?"

After Birt locked Big Bird in the tanning bed, roasted him, plucked off his feathers and tied him to the roof of the car, he suddenly hit an animal or something in the road.

He stepped out of his car. "Is it a fox?" he kicked it.

"HAHAHA! THAT TICKLES!"

And those were Elmo's dying words.

Birt shrugged and tossed him in the back.

"Ah, the roast is cooked- talk about red meat! And the turkey is perfect-but in need of gravy."

A squeaking erupted from the cupboard, and Birt had yet another fantabulous idea that involved a rubber duck and a microwave.

Ernie couldn't seem to stop himself from weeping. He woke to find a note that Rubber Ducky had left him, telling him he was leaving so that he and Birt could be together.

Also, he noticed that the gravy tasted a bit like melted rubbe

r- but he never put two and two together.

THE END.

I was asked to re-write my EOC.
...SO worth it. :D

Time Index 357241.

I'm going to hell. :/

Mark and I were on iGod, supposedly "chatting with God".

Mark: *types* When was your first orgasm?

We giggled, waiting for it to load.
*pops up*
God: It was at time index 357241.

*more giggles*
Me: *types* Was it wet?
Waiting. Waiting. *pops up*
God: I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask ALLY if it is.

We, of course, started laughing hysterically. I sort of fell out of my chair. Haha. =]

Old Ghost.

Old Ghost.

I don't know which part of this
Hurts me the most-
I'll always be haunted
By your old ghost.
You told me you loved me,
You called me "best friend",
So why do you suddenly
Want this to end?

"I said a lot of things on meds.
A lot of things."

I think that line
Struck the worst blow,
What you were thinking
I will never know.
All those times
I confided in you-
In your mind,
You already knew.
Three years we spent,
Inseparability-
Three years have went,
With how much you meant to me.

I see you nearby,
With the smile you wore-
I may hate your honesty,
But I hate your lies more.
If you decide
You've made a mistake,
I refuse to let
Myself take the bait.

You've made your choices,
I've made mine-
But if I said I don't miss you,
I would be lying.

Storm.

it's storming outside-
and i love it.
the sound,
the smell,
the touch of it against my skin-

the lightening is
like the clouds parted
too much and accidently let a
stream of light peek through from
a place a bit like
heaven.

the thunder is like music-
so strong,
so powerful-
an eccentric spell of
momentous ecstasy.

i love it,
i live it,
i feel it.
i KNOW it.

i know it as if
it were my other half.
each drop is so familiar,
each puddle is a
melted memory.

each rainstorm weaves
another piece of me.

I am from-

I am from the endless expanse of garden that

Became

[[My own private world.]] I am from stories in my

Head that were my

Own secret [[escape]] when

[[Reality]]

Threw me for a loop. I am from the

morning glories that peeked

their eyes open as I woke and

closed them again as the sun

continued its tour. I am from evenings on the back porch, sitting with grandma until the clouds turned purple. I am from greasy hamburgers,

eaten at

breakfast

lunch

and

dinner,

six days a week

for years. I am from doctor's warnings and prescribed diets, from the sight of

obesity one Christmas

that became the sight of

anorexia the next.

I am from slips that

deprived me of [[oxygen]] and

itchy dresses reserved only for the house of [[God]].

I am from [[do what they tell you]] and [[don't ask questions]], from

Believing the [[messenger]] undoubtingly

because [[god spoke through him]].

I am from the young girls, going from the bench

At Sunday school to

The arms of older men, from deceit and affairs,

Hypocrisy and cover-ups. I am from

[[Our way is the ONLY way.]]

and

[[Those are the kind of questions a sinner would ask.]]

I am from a curious kindergartener

treated like a criminal

once a week, from

a family not

spoken of when

at church. I am from

a grandmother who

spent half of her

married life in fear

and from a man

Who abused his four

Children. I am from

[[Why do mommy and grandpa hate each other?]]

And

[[What's a dad?]]

I am from fantasies and lies used

When the teachers would ask

Questions. I am from [[Where's you mother?]]

And [[why isn't she back yet?]]

I am from salty tears and pre-rehearsed pleas,

Dreading of even a few hours without her.

I am from pounding

At

The

Door,

Disturbing the dead of night.

I am from [[the cops are here!]]

And [[how much did you drink?]] I am from [[help me find your mom's purse, dear.]] And [[it's going to be okay.]]

I am from empty bottles and

And absent mother, from [[I'm so sorry,]] and [[it was inevitable.]]

I am from harassment and

Poisoned laughter, from the

Kisses of a knife

across

a

wrist

and the warm blood that

soaked the jacket of

a young girl, hiding the marks of her own self

punishment.

I am from [[you don't have any real problems, you're just a kid!]]

And [[if you're going to cut yourself,

then just go straight for the vein

and get it over with, already.]]

and I can't unplug the constant replay in my head of,

[[if you're serious, then prove it.]]

I am from

Notes pinned to

Shirts and

The scraping of a

Chair being dragged

Across a balcony, echoing

Off the walls of an desolate gym.

I am from mascara stained Kleenexes

And call slips that bring

A face-

A face in such pain that

You remember

That it was all in the

Past, and what you

Did was

Stupid,

Selfish-

Oh, boy, girl- you were [[selfish.]]

I

Am

From

The past,

I

Am

From

Moving on,

I

Am

From

A will to live

And make things

Right,

But most of all,

I

Am

From

No regrets-

[[Only lessons learned.]]

The Prostitute.

Manda and I spent our entire English period passing some pretty interesting notes.

We were walking to class and I said, "Looks like we have a fat substitute for English,"
And she goes, "Wait- I thought you said fat PROSTITUTE."

So we go in the room and she takes one look at him and goes, "you were right, after all."
I looked at him and laughed. "Did you think I would disappoint you?"
"Ohhh, of course not."
So we were allowed to move around and we both settled on the floor. A yellow post it note flew my way.

The prostitute-
He is delicious,
Just as I like them.

I stifled my laughter and wrote back,

Oh, yes. I enjoy the plump ones as well.

A few moments later, she replied,

The more meat…
The greasier the bun.
MY bun.
Oh! Innuendo.

Not to mention the chunky ta-tas.
A prostitute MUST have the chunky ta-tas.

Yes. He's probably also got some nice sausage loads.
Maybe a size 12….
SHOE.
Like sausage toes.

Ohhh, the SAUSAGE TOES-
What I'd do to touch one of those
BIG, FAT, HAIRY-
Toes.

I can taste those sausages…
I want them to spew their greases into my…
Hand…
As I give him a
Foot massage. =]

Ooer.
Don't forget to use the peacock feathers.
They're a wonderful way to secks up the afternoon.

Oh yes. The peacock feathers.
I'd like to ruffle those peacock feathers,
And the 19-inch
Disco stick.
His arm, I mean.

I always wanted a disco stick. If I had one,
I'd spend hours just ruffling myself
All
Night
Long.

Yeah. I came to school,
And upon seeing those disco sticks
Swinging freely,
I immediately found the nearest bathroom
And ruffled vigorously.

That was YOU in the stall next to me?
I feel so honored
To have shared such a moment with you.

Yay!
I'm sorry if some of my
Sausage grease
Landed in your stall!

Oh, don't be sorry!
It was the best time I've had in the presence of disco sticks-
Aside from the time you and I were at that party.

I still have the videotapes…
and the cowboy costumes.

Why didn't you tell me?
We can have a reenactment now.

OH YES!
There's the costume-
*draws cowboy boots/hat*
that's all you get to wear!!

Do we still get to use the lassos?
And the saddles?

Only if you want to.
=]
lasso THIS!
*draws something long that says "12 inches" above it*
it's my finger.

Oh dear lordy!
I almost forgot the popcorn butter!

Oh! OHH!
GIDDYUP!
*ruffles*
I'm working up a sweat.

We should invite Ivan-
[character from the story we were both reading]
-to join us.
him and that whip of his!

Yeah! And that nice big gun.
I wanna put my hands
On the trigger until it
Shoots four rounds.

I hope that gun can fit in my oven,
Even though it isn't French.
;]

but it's "been in tight places before".
…wink wink.

Lube should help.
.

Yeah.
Lots and lots of lube-
Watermelon flavored.
This sounds like it's time to use the ol' shackles.

You make me feel like a naughty cop tickling a tellie tubbie!
:D

You make me feel like Barney's special helper!
:D <3

That used to be MY job.
Until Thomas the Train's truck driver stole it.

Oh, he "Drove" that train
ALL OVER.
I want to work as Elmo's personal whore.

You'd have to kill his goldfish, Goldy, first.
Flush that bitch!

And then class ended.
But when I got home, I found these in my pocket.
Such a wonderful use of the post-it notes Mrs. Veigel gave us. :]